


HANAMUKE

by tegoperokko



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23822125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tegoperokko/pseuds/tegoperokko
Summary: Tegoshi was so focused on his feelings that he wasn’t aware of how Masuda was doing, didn’t notice the changes on him, and when he did, it was already too late. For five years, he harbored feelings of love and affection but inside those years, three as confirmed by the man himself, Masuda cared for another – a woman.
Relationships: Kato Shigeaki/Koyama Keiichiro, Masuda Takahisa/Tegoshi Yuya
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	HANAMUKE

He was his best friend – someone who had been with him ever since they were teens, someone who understood the complexity of being with him, and the person he trusted the most. He was the gentlest and nicest person Tegoshi had ever met; he was there when he needed him, no matter what time, condition, and location as long as Tegoshi demanded his presence, he’d come running to his side with his warm, tight hugs and words of comfort. He was Tegoshi’s support both inside and outside of work. Sometimes he’d wonder; did he really deserve such friend when all he had ever done was cause troubles for him? It was the act of doing something wrong and feeling like it was right; Masuda was someone who would always bring him back to the right track.

Tegoshi had always known about his feelings; they were strange, obsessive and possessive at some point but he had believed that it would be _them_ forever. Tegoshi played a lot – literally and figuratively. Those things that he enjoyed without restraining himself – love, liquor, girls, and sex; he had experienced left and right scandals, betrayals, and frame-ups. But he overcame them, because there was one person who stayed with him; Masuda was a friend who never doubted him. For Tegoshi, he may trip in all his idiocy, he knew he could stand up again as long as Masuda would pull him up.

But then, feelings changed and so were the people. The agency warned him with a reminder that it was the last time. It was simple: _“_ _Behave yourself and think of the people you trouble. Reflect on your actions.”_ They said it in a way that even a child should be able to understand and repent. At first Tegoshi shrugged, he let the words enter his one ear and let them out on the other, but not the following words that had a heavy meaning: _“_ _One more time and you’re out; you, NEWS, and Tegomass.”_ It was genuine that he loved his work and that he enjoyed the company but inside him, there were the feelings that the more they restrain him in things that he wanted to do, then the more than he wanted to break the rules. It was the only way to give his own self the satisfaction he craved for. But he couldn’t afford to lose his group; he couldn’t afford to lose his best friend. He didn’t want another hiatus, another phase of suffering where he saw tears caused by agony on Masuda’s face, and he didn’t want to stop singing. And so, there was no other choice but to succumb and mind his actions.

Behaving wasn’t half-bad. Instead, it gave way for Tegoshi to be able to spend more time with his best friend. They’d often go out for dinners, shopping, and amusement parks. It was also then that Tegoshi had the chance to properly analyze what he personally felt – he just had his first love. It was when he understood his thought that he and Masuda would always be together, forever; why he didn’t like girls squealing his best friend’s name, and why he had always found Masuda’s upper body erotic. But of course, there was no way of telling those feelings. They were both men and there were no signs that said Masuda felt the same towards Tegoshi. It was a hopeless love.

Tegoshi contented his self in their set-up, not daring to ask for more. But that didn’t mean that his desires were totally compressed within him. It was probably the most shameless thing he had ever done but he fantasized of his best friend, Tegoshi touched himself the way he wanted Masuda to touch him, and on those times that he got to stay over Masuda’s house, he would stay up until he was sure enough that Masuda had fallen asleep to sneak inside his room and brush their lips together. Those one-sided kisses were electrifying enough to send shivers down Tegoshi’s spine and crave for more.

He had accepted it long ago, ever since he started loving Masuda –he’ll never get to touch him sexually. It was frustrating but it was his reality of life. Well, not until they went out for drinks and Masuda got wasted and made it hard for Tegoshi to get him home. Tegoshi’s intentions were pure at first, he planned to wash Masuda with a damp cloth, change his clothes, and bring him to bed. He never thought that seeing his best friend’s naked body up-close would cloud his mind and would be the reason to lose all his restrains. While Masuda law unconsciously on the couch of his living room, Tegoshi fulfilled his aching needs.

It hurt so badly, felt like he was being torn into pieces. It didn’t feel good like his fingers or when he tried to watch gay porn where all the actors moaned like they were going crazy. It was too painful that he didn’t even cum; he just thrust his hips up and down and waited until Masuda spurted his seeds inside Tegoshi. That was the only merit he had. He left even before Masuda woke up; Tegoshi didn’t want Masuda to see him walk improperly because his body ached all over. He didn’t want to be found out that he did something immoral to his best friend while he was asleep.

There was regret and self-hatred. He should have never done that. More than the fact that it wasn’t right and could be considered as rape, Tegoshi couldn’t deny that he wanted it to happen again – Masuda inside him – even if it hurt.

It was funny how he could break a smile in front of Masuda after he had done and pretend that nothing happened but inside, he felt like breaking down and begging to let him know how much he needed him. He was crazily in love with his best friend that even he got scared of himself. To how far would his unrequited love take him, Tegoshi didn’t have a single clue. But he was quite sure that with each passing day, his obsession towards Masuda, intensified.

Tegoshi had been oblivious, though. He was so focused on his feelings that he wasn’t aware of how Masuda was doing, didn’t notice the changes on him, and when he did, it was already too late. For five years, he harbored feelings of love and affection but inside those years, three as confirmed by the man himself, Masuda cared for another – a woman. Masuda never told him about her nor did Tegoshi ask because he was confident that Masuda was stuck with him forever, that he couldn’t afford to have other worries when he had his hands full with just Tegoshi.

Obviously, that didn’t turn out as Tegoshi expected it to be because the next thing he knew, Masuda had already proposed for a marriage.

It was worse when Masuda decided to quit their group for reasons he never elaborated but got an approval anyway. Koyama, Shige, and Tegoshi didn’t even have to ask anymore, it was either they enter another hiatus phase or just completely disband. And they pretty much knew that they would choose the latter.

He didn’t see Masuda for the next three months. Tegoshi was lost, none of the information had sunk in. He deliberately told his manager to cancel all his works as he will be the one to enter a hiatus. He wasn’t particularly lonely, it was just that he felt empty. He could smile but that would only leave a bad taste in his mouth. He could lie and tell everyone he was least affected with what was going on and that he stayed positive but he knew he would crumble if he forced himself.

Masuda’s marriage announcement had lots of opinions. There were bashing, there were best wishes, and there were also sentiments of the emotionally unprepared ones. Tegoshi laughed because he was all those people; three kinds of people all in his chest. _Pathetic._

On the fourth month, Masuda contacted and met all of them in a restaurant with a private room to _give_ their parts of his wedding. Tegoshi didn’t know how to react to it. It was a given that Masuda would give him an important part but even if he thought that way, he didn’t feel enthusiastic. Koyama, it turned out, was chosen as Masuda’s best man. Shige would be one of the groomsmen. Tegoshi was going to be the singer.

“Hanamuke,” Masuda said with a smile. “I want you to sing that on my wedding.”

_Impossible._ That song was about wishing your beloved one the happiness with another person. Could he do it? No, he was not a bit happy on any of these nor did he feel compromising such a celebratory event for his partner.

It was ironic. Years ago, Tegoshi brought Masuda with him to a friend’s wedding to sing the same song and now, Masuda was the one asking the same favor to Tegoshi, the only difference was that Tegoshi would have to sing it _alone_ on Masuda’s _wedding_.

“But Hanamuke should be sung by two people.” Tegoshi said with a laugh, subtly wishing that Masuda would sense his disagreement.

Masuda took a sip of his coffee and then chuckled, “It’s fine! You could do it!” Masuda encouraged and assured. “You _are_ Tegoshi, after all.” He added as if it was what Tegoshi wanted to hear from him.

Tegoshi smiled awkwardly. He didn’t reply, letting Masuda think that he had already accepted his part of the ceremony. When Masuda was done on Tegoshi’s matter, he turned his attention back to Koyama and Shige who were asking too many questions with Koyama leading it; asking trivial things like a hopeless romantic high school girl dying to know how her friend got a boyfriend. Tegoshi didn’t listen much to them, though. He better not know Masuda and the girl’s dating history, he wasn’t born a masochist.

It probably took about an hour of Koyama trying to get Masuda to talk about his love life and Tegoshi spending that same amount of time on his phone gaming, messaging, and whatever he could do to have his concentration directed to others rather than letting himself be jealous. And if Shige hadn’t dragged Koyama out of the restaurant because they still had work commitments together, Tegoshi would have presented to leave first.

Back then, it never imposed a problem whenever Tegoshi and Masuda were left alone. They didn’t have to talk, even in silence, they were never awkward. Tegoshi wondered since when did the atmosphere became so heavy between them?

Neither of them dared to speak first, both of them alternatingly taking sips of their half-full drinks in front of them. Tegoshi had quite the urge to talk to the man opposite to where he was sitting but no topic would come into mind. Should he ask about what Koyama asked earlier? Or clarify some parts of the wedding program as if he was a wedding planner? Tegoshi knew that either of the two questions wouldn’t pique his interest to keep talking. Nobody wanted to hear the love of their lives talk about the happiness that they found on another person, was there?

They would’ve kept drinking their coffees, not caring about the possible palpitations after the shots but nothing lasted forever. Tegoshi didn’t even realize his cup was already empty if he hadn’t attempted to take another sip. When he placed it back to the table, Masuda also did the same.

Tegoshi smiled slightly when Masuda threw a glance on him and then he looked away; putting his hands on the table, unconsciously fidgeting which was noticed by the other.

“Tegoshi, talk to me.” Masuda said in his ever-soft and gentle voice. “You’ve been quiet for a while now and I… I’m not used to it.” Masuda continued awkwardly.

There was nothing to talk about, Tegoshi thought. They’ve long stopped hanging out, what were Masuda’s hobbies aside from clothes and fashion, Tegoshi realized that he didn’t have a single clue about them. Three months were long, especially that Masuda didn’t bother keeping the communications last. Although Tegoshi sort of knew that Masuda must be hooked on his fiancée right now.

“What are you saying? I’ve always been quiet.” Tegoshi said with a light laugh.

Masuda shook his head and smiled, “No. I mean, yes, you are quiet at times but not to this point where you don’t speak at all. Hey, is everything okay on your end? I haven’t got a time these past months to check out you and the others, I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. I know you’re busy. Wedding preparations, the fiancée, and such. Plus, I’m still on my hiatus; still don’t know what I should do from now on.”

Masuda stared at him for a few moments and eventually bowed his head out of guiltiness that he was the one who led Tegoshi, Koyama, and Shige in a state where they were lost on what to do next. “I’m sorry.” Masuda murmured with a tone of regret.

“It’s funny, right?” Tegoshi said out of the blue, voice calmed and composed as if he didn’t want to offend Masuda with the next things he would say. “People have always thought that I’ll be the one to get married first, if not Koyama, because they always knew how much I played around. But here we are, talking about _your_ wedding instead.”

The last sentence came out and sounded like a sarcasm and Tegoshi knew it was too late to take it back when he saw the look on Masuda’s face; offended even if that wasn’t on Tegoshi’s intention.

“I… she’s…” Masuda stammered incoherently before he took a deep breath and slammed his elbows on the table so his hands could rake his hair to release his frustrations. “She’s pregnant with _my_ child. What the hell am I supposed to do but marry her?”

Tegoshi was taken aback. Sure, he wasn’t expecting Masuda’s confession. And if he couldn’t imagine his partner getting married back then, what more now that he got a girl _pregnant?_ There must be some sort of a mistake or a misunderstanding.

“What?” Tegoshi’s jaw dropped; taking the new information was all too much. He shook his head unbelievably, a hand on his chest where his heart was. “Are you kidding with me? That’s _not_ like you.”

He didn’t know if he made sense. It was just too shocking for Tegoshi. Masuda had always been someone so careful. He didn’t want complicated situations and Tegoshi had always thought he was kind of asexual, but that was more of what he was hoping for if wouldn’t fall in love with Tegoshi.

“Do you think I’d kid about all these? The wedding? Me leaving the group and the agency and us disbanding? You think I wanted to _fuck_ up?” Masuda scoffed. He was never the great liar, Tegoshi always knew; and when the man in front of him flashed that hurting look, only God knew how much Tegoshi wanted to go to Masuda’s side and give him a hug of comfort, if that would be of any help.

“NEWS had been my life, Tegoshi. I loved it more than anything else, but you know that fans wouldn’t accept me easily if they find out about this. I know I’m hurting everyone with my decision to leave and I’m troubling you but I _have_ to accept that this is the end.” Masuda continued, hopeless.

Tegoshi held his breath, a lump in his throat forming, and a spark of anger was igniting. He hated it when situations became one-sided because of selfishness. “How do you even know that they won’t accept you?” Tegoshi asked with a hint of irritation in his voice.

Masuda didn’t speak. He bowed his head and remained silent and that only made the madness inside Tegoshi rose up.

“It’s _fucking_ normal to get married, Masuda. Everyone comes to that point. So what if you got your woman pregnant? You’re taking responsibility, right? You know people who did the same, your closest seniors if you forgot. It’s this behavior of you that I can never understand. You keep everything all to yourself, decide on things even if you’re indecisive, and doesn’t make any sense most of the times. What do you take _us_ for? What do you take _me_ for? You can’t confide to me? You think I can’t help you?” Tegoshi didn’t know what he was saying. At the start, he wanted to comfort Masuda but Tegoshi could feel the lack of trust that Masuda had for them – for him. He wouldn’t say that he would be effective; maybe he’d even convince Masuda to take responsibility of the child but not on the mother because Tegoshi didn’t want him to be stolen away. But Tegoshi thought they were best of friends; and as much as how his heart was hurting because of Masuda’s upcoming wedding ties, he still wished that Masuda should have considered leaning on him when things got tough for him.

“You don’t understand.” Masuda replied in a low voice just enough to reach Tegoshi’s ears.

Tegoshi stood up and took his bag silently. He better leave before having an outburst. Masuda was already having a hard time and Tegoshi didn’t want to add on any of them anymore. He wanted to be there for Masuda even though he knew that it would never be too easy for him; but for now, Tegoshi knew it would also be better to leave Masuda alone.

He looked at Masuda one more time, the latter still bowed. “I’d like to know what kind of arrangement you would want for the song. You know where to contact or to find me.” Tegoshi said calmly and walked to the door after. But before exiting he spoke again without facing Masuda because he could feel the tears in the corner of his eyes, “I’m sorry for what I’ve said. You’re right. I don’t understand. But that’s because you didn’t give me the chance to understand the situation that you’re in.”

––––

After their meeting in the restaurant, Tegoshi never heard anything from Masuda again for about a month until three days ago when Masuda had called him, finally, to tell Tegoshi about the music arrangement and it turned out that Masuda barely wanted any note modification as he wanted to hear the song as it was on its original beat; just, he informed Tegoshi that he would be accompanied by a live band – it wasn’t something new, though. All that was left to do was to figure out his compatibility with the back-up singer.

Then consecutively, two days ago, the invitation to the wedding had arrived in Tegoshi’s mail. He looked at the complete list of the entourage and he learned that Masuda and his bride hadn’t invited too many people. There were just a little bit more than ten that Tegoshi recognized based on their names. And then there were Koyama and Shige’s names; his name came last as the wedding singer.

It took all his calm composure to not crumple the invitation on his hands but it excepted the tears in his eyes that he didn’t even notice were already falling as he trailed Masuda’s printed name. He didn’t expect that it would hurt more now that everything had been arranged. He felt like Masuda was slipping through his fingers, about to disappear and he couldn’t do anything to stop him and make him stay and tell him how much he needed him by his side.

The wedding was scheduled to take place in two week’s time. Knowing that made it even harder for Tegoshi; his mind was in chaos, he couldn’t breathe properly, he couldn’t bear the thought of Masuda committing to someone else. He wanted to say all his feelings right to his face, how everything was hurting Tegoshi, and how he messed up managing his feelings. It almost felt like he was going crazy.

But Tegoshi knew he had to hold back, all these feelings were useless – they weren’t meant to be told out loud. They were supposed to be shut in the depths of his heart until he, himself, would willingly forget about them.

Tegoshi wiped his tears. Though, it was all for naught because as he tried to dry his face, his eyes couldn’t stop crying.

Nevertheless, he folded the invitation neatly and pushed it inside the envelope before he heard his phone beeped for a received message. He couldn’t help rolling his eyes when he saw the sender. It was Masuda asking if they had received the invitations for the wedding. Koyama was the one who replied first with an enthusiastic _“Yes”_ with an excited emoticon by its side and a minute after was Shige answering normally. Tegoshi contemplated if he would answer, too. He had long ago stopped sending messages on their group chat unless it was urgent. It was just not Masuda. Disbanding had had a big effect on him, too. He wasn’t angry – if anything, he knew that their group would come to this point – but he was sad. He loved singing as much as he loved performing with the other three. They were his family in the professional world. Thinking that they would never get to perform and work together again dejected Tegoshi.

Not wanting to ponder on his thoughts alone, he called Koyama, instead. He needed someone. He needed his big brother. Luckily after a few rings, Koyama picked up.

“Keii-chan?” Tegoshi started, his voice was hoarse from crying.

“Tegoshi, is that you? Are you okay?” Koyama asked worriedly, immediately sensing that there was something wrong.

Tegoshi sobbed softly, shaking his head even though Koyama wouldn’t be able to see it.

“Tegoshi, hey. Calm down.” Koyama tried to hush from the other line when Tegoshi failed to answer his questions.

“Can you come over, please?”He managed to finish coherently.

Koyama was quiet for almost a minute but Tegoshi could hear whispers and noises from where Koyama was and someone who was most likely talking to the older, so he waited.

“I’ll be there in thirty.” Koyama told him after and the line went off.

Tegoshi sat on his couch and buries his face on his palms. He called Koyama but what would he say? He was worried for him. Tegoshi knew he wouldn’t be able to just lie about his situation; not to mention that it would be too unfair for the man to do so.

True to Koyama’s words, he arrived within the time he said – though Tegoshi wasn’t really conscious of the time. He just heard his doorbell rang consecutively and when he opened the door, it was Koyama with a knot on his forehead and a couple of plastic bags on his one hand that contained foods he ordered for take-out.

Tegoshi had stopped crying by then but he could feel that his eyes were swollen. Upon seeing his face, Koyama immediately came inside, placed the plastic bags on a flat surface, and pulled Tegoshi in an embrace which made his tears flow again as he clung tightly on the older.

“What happened?” Koyama asked softly.

Tegoshi wasn’t ready to admit his feelings for Masuda to anyone – not _yet_ , not _ever._ But with the comfort he felt in Koyama’s hug and the softness of his voice that sounded as if he wouldn’t judge Tegoshi for whatever he might say, just had him spitting everything in a split second.

“I never knew it would hurt this much, Keii-chan.” Tegoshi barely whispered, choking on his own tears.

“What is?”

“ _Him_ getting married.”

Koyama stroked Tegoshi hair understandingly and chuckled. “Tegoshi’s too attached on his partner?” He joked.

“Well, it’s not like he’ll forget us. You see, Massu will become a bit busier for he has to prioritize the family he will build, but you could still see him anytime you want. That’s if he gives you the permission to enter his home.” Koyama added, interpreting what Tegoshi said earlier to be purely platonic.

He didn’t speak and Koyama guided him back to the living room and made him sit down as he got the plastic of food where he placed it and went to the kitchen to serve it in a more presentable way.

“Eat up.” Koyama placed a glass of iced tea and the take-out meal in front of Tegoshi.

He didn’t have the appetite to eat but he still tasted it. Tegoshi wondered for how many days he had been skipping out his meals. He could sometimes feel his stomach grumbled but there was never an urge to fill it.

Koyama sat on the single couch, a glass of water in his hand and studied Tegoshi silently. The way that the younger looked – tired and limped – he already knew that there was something deeper beyond what he said earlier. It’s not just because of Masuda’s wedding.

“Do you think it would have been easier if I fell for you instead?” Tegoshi suddenly uttered, staring at the food in his plate and poking on the meat with his fork before turning his head to where Koyama was.

“Fell for… me? What do you mean?” Koyama asked in confusion, sitting up straight.

“I told you. I never thought Massu getting married would hurt this much. Not only that, he also got her pregnant. Such an idiot.” Tegoshi chuckled while shaking his head as he remembered that time when Masuda confessed everything. “He said he _fucked_ up, guess he really did.” He even added.

Koyama was at a lost, he opened his mouth in an attempt to say something but closed it almost immediately when no words came out.

“Well, I’m kind of stupid, too. I was too busy daydreaming that I didn’t notice the changes in him. If only I wasn’t too self-centered, I would have known it the moment he started acting weird.”

“You _were_ in love with Massu?” Koyama muttered in realization and then gasped exaggeratedly, a hand over his mouth.

Tegoshi looked away, dropping the fork on his hand and taking a sip of his drink before answering, “I _still_ am, Keii-chan.”

“And he got his fiancée pregnant?”

Tegoshi nodded in response.

“Oh, my god.” Koyama gestured Tegoshi to stop and pressed his hand to his forehead. “I’m not sure I’m getting the gist if this, Tegoshi. You _are_ in love with Massu but he’s already getting married. You can’t!”

“Of course, I know that so well. And it’s not like I plan to confess. It’s just… too painful.”

“Tegoshi…” Koyama muttered empathetically and it took all Tegoshi’s might to stop the tears forming at the corner of his eyes again.

He hated his situation. He hated it whenever he would let someone see him at his weakest, but he had to admit that this was what he needed the most. Someone who would give him _pity._ Someone who would tell him that his pain was valid and not childish.

“I was too conceited that Massu would always be by my side. And now that he’s being taken away from me, I can’t help but think of so many things, like create scenarios to stop him. My head feels like it’s spinning non-stop. I’m tired.” He stopped thinking of things he should say. He just wanted to let it all out now. Heartbreaks happened to him before and he just had to cry his heart out for a night, then he was fine again on the next day. Maybe Masuda wouldn’t differ.

Tegoshi wasn’t looking at Koyama the whole time he spoke. He just felt the older pulling him into a hug, enveloping him into the loving comfort Tegoshi would always find in him.

“I didn’t know you were suffering so much and for that I’m sorry. I always loved seeing you and Massu together. I’ve seen how you trusted each other. There are parts of your personality that you never hesitated to show towards Massu but did with us. I couldn’t find the words to tell you right now, Tegoshi. If only I could encourage you to chase after him, I would push you to do so but I won’t do that.” Koyama’s voice started cracking then as he held Tegoshi tighter while the younger tilted his head to the side. It was confusing how he was just fighting the urge to cry again earlier but now his tears wouldn’t come out. He just stared outside, where his laundered clothes were swaying with the wind at his veranda.

Koyama continued to speak but Tegoshi had lost the interest to comprehend everything he had been saying. He just knew the older was telling him something about _“it’s complicated”, “she’s pregnant”,_ and _“wedding”_. Things he already knew, but the last thing Tegoshi heard and probably was the only words he had been waiting to be spitted were, _“Move on.”_ That was when Tegoshi smiled bitterly and closed his eyes; he felt tired. Now he knew why he couldn’t cry anymore. _This is how emptiness feels like, huh._

Tegoshi didn’t know for how long he had been sleeping but when he woke up, it was already dark outside and he could smell the scent of something cooking and brewing from the kitchen. He knotted his forehead at first, trying to remember who could be at his home cooking food when he thought he was alone but before he could even remember that Koyama was with him earlier, the man walked out from the kitchen, removing the apron that was tied up around his waist. When the older saw him awake, he smiled.

“I’ve cooked you food. It wasn’t anything fancy but I figured you haven’t been eating well lately. I also brewed you some coffee, just heat it up when you want to drink it. And I went to the supermarket while you were sleeping and stocked up your pantry and refrigerator.” Tegoshi was only watching Koyama turn back and forth from his dining to the living room, touching, cleaning, and fixing Tegoshi’s things in place. Tegoshi assumed Koyama was done when he strode towards the couch where he was lying and squatted before him.

“What?” Tegoshi asked in a flat tone when Koyama just stared at him.

Koyama smiled sadly and touched the younger’s head, “I’m sorry that I can’t do anything for you. I know you’re hurting so much right now but stay strong, okay? I’ll be going home but call me when you need anything.” He didn’t wait for Tegoshi to answer. He stood up and started gathering his things. However, he didn’t leave immediately even after wearing his coat. He called Tegoshi by his name again instead and turned around to say something he wasn’t able to when he got there. “As for your assumption earlier that it would have probably been easier if you fell for me… you know that that’s wrong, right? Because you’re the one who knows so well just how crazy I am for Shige.”

Tegoshi laughed silently and grabbed the nearest throw pillow he could reach then threw it at Koyama. Of course, he knew it. He was the one who pushed Koyama to confess and ask Shige to date him, after all.

“I know, I know. Now get out of my house, you happy fool.” He joked and rolled on his back and pretended that he was going back to sleep. After a few seconds, he felt a hand ruffling his hair. “Thank you for coming.” Tegoshi mumbled shyly, only enough for Koyama to hear. The older didn’t speak then and just proceeded to the door, exiting Tegoshi’s house.

–––

The following week hadn’t been any good for Tegoshi. Except that it had become more bearable. He was numbed from the pain he had been feeling for the past months. If it was any consolation, at least he had stopped crying. But in exchange for that, he also stopped functioning. He would go out with friends, laugh, and drink, but there was no real satisfaction in doing all those. The last time he checked himself in front of the mirror, he could only laugh because of how horrible he looked. There were bags under his eyes, his skin was pale, and hair unkempt. He had no reason to keep going forward anymore and sometimes he couldn’t help but feel disillusioned by the past Tegoshi who had been nothing but a positive person. He wanted to go back to the time when he was still _himself,_ not the hopeless guy he could see in the mirror, not the guy who fell into that hopelessness just because his love could never be reciprocated. There was a void inside him which he knew that could never be filled unless he got the love he had been longing for or when he would start accepting his reality.

“Who are you?” Tegoshi wondered at his reflection then walked back to his bedroom and pulled out his suitcase to start packing his clothes as he waited for Koyama and Shige to pick him up and go to Osaka where Masuda’s wedding will be held. The rehearsals for the wedding entourage would be at the next day and it will be ongoing for three half-days. It would also be the first time that the three of them would _finally_ meet Masuda’s bride. He was nervous. He had been thinking several scenarios on how he would act happily for the couple but nothing seemed to be too good to be true. In the end, he tried putting a smile on his face and, fortunately, it might work out.

Koyama and Shige arrived in Tegoshi’s place exactly at two o’clock in the afternoon. There weren’t much of discussions. It was just the usual with Shige complaining that using a large suitcase was really unnecessary and too bulky for a trip that would only last for five days, not to mention that it was just a domestic trip.

“You know that you could just shop for clothes if ever you run out of them, right? I don’t understand why you have to bring something as if you’re migrating abroad. Seriously, Tegoshi, this is _too_ heavy.” Shige grumbled and dropped the suitcase on the floor, making a loud thud.

“Hey, easy!” Tegoshi accosted and ran after his suitcase. “Why did you carry it in the first place? I didn’t even ask you to.”

“Do you really expect that I’d just stand there and wait for you until you get all of your stuffs in your hands? You got that huge suitcase and a stuffed backpack. Did you gather _everything_ that’s in your wardrobe, kid?”

Tegoshi lifted his suitcase and avoided Shige’s gaze, “Don’t be an idiot, Shige.”

“Idiot? Tegoshi–,” Shige didn’t finish his sentence when Koyama stepped in.

“Shige, I could hear your voice from the entrance. What’s wrong?” Koyama asked and went near him.

Shige just rolled his eyes and pointed at Tegoshi. “Help Tegoshi carry his stuffs.” He said and left.

Koyama obliged, although he didn’t even need to be instructed in order to do it.

“Tegoshi, give me the heavy stuff.”

Tegoshi pouted and gave Koyama his suitcase, “Shige seems to be in a bad mood today, Keii-chan. What did you do this time?”

“Nothing! We’re getting along just fine. Isn’t it you? You argued with him again. You both always do.” Koyama stated as a matter-of-fact. The older wasn’t wrong. Tegoshi and Shige would always have something to argue on but it wasn’t the negative thing. It was more like discussions; bickering with witty remarks. Shige would usually be the one to snap but they never had a fight. Both of them have sharp-tongues but offended none so it would end well all the time.

Shige wasn’t anywhere in the house when Koyama and Tegoshi went out of the room so they assumed that he was already waiting in the car. While locking his door, Tegoshi asked Koyama, “You didn’t tell Shige?”

“About what?”

“What happened a week ago.”

“No.” Koyama started walking towards the elevator when Tegoshi had assured that he locked his house.

“Why?”

“Because it’s not my place to tell him your story. He might be my lover, but that doesn’t mean I have the right to tell him something that barely concerns me.”

As much as Tegoshi felt bad not letting Shige know of his current state, he was thankful that Koyama didn’t tell a soul about it. He’d tell Shige, but not soon.

They didn’t speak again until they’ve reached the ground and Koyama had to lift his suitcase again to the parking lot. “But, yeah, Tegoshi. This is no joke. Your suitcase is really heavy. Just what did you put in here? We’re only staying in Osaka for five days, you know. But this is more like you’re going out of the country instead.” Koyama teased.

Tegoshi’s face was serious, though. He was thinking deeply of something no one but him knew. There was still that feeling that he wouldn’t be able to bear to see Masuda at the altar. It would be a risk to take, an embarrassment he would probably have to live with for the rest of his life if ever _that_ would happen, and maybe he would need to break a bond so he could escape and save himself. With all those thoughts, Tegoshi was still uncertain whether to tell anyone or not since it was still undecided. And telling someone of his selfish plans would be troublesome, too. He was sure that he would only be guilt-tripped and stopped.

“I just have too much things I can’t leave.” Tegoshi chose to answer vaguely.

Shige was leaning on the side talking to someone and he cut it off when Koyama and Tegoshi had reached the car.

“Who was it?” Koyama asked, settling in the shotgun seat.

Shige then started the engine, adjusting the rearview mirror to see if Tegoshi had also settled down in the backseat of the car. “Massu.”

Tegoshi turned his eyes on Shige’s back when he heard the name while Koyama glanced on Tegoshi’s side before going for a follow-up question.

“What did he say?”

Shige shrugged and drove, “Nothing much. He just said to call him when we reach Osaka. Massu and Kairi are the only ones that have checked in at the hotel. Their parents and other relatives will arrive a day before the wedding and friends by tomorrow so Massu said we should all go out for dinner later since it’s been a while.”

“With Kairi?” Tegoshi jumped in the conversation.

Shige looked at him from the mirror and nodded, “Yeah. He said it will be a good time to finally introduce and get to know his fiancée before they get too busy.”

“Oh.” Tegoshi nodded knowingly and leaned back. He turned his head on Koyama who was looking at him concernedly so Tegoshi gave him a small smile, implying that he would be fine. Although he was not sure about that himself.

After that short conversation, the three of them had been quiet. Shige was focused on the road, Koyama had been on his phone, and Tegoshi contented himself in looking outside the window; watching anything that they passed. When they’ve arrived at the airport, Tegoshi wanted to run away; feeling a bit dizzy when they boarded the plane. Koyama and Shige were seated in front of him and it was a relief that none of the couple would be able to talk to him for more than an hour. For the past weeks, Tegoshi found peace in being alone and it was quite a surprise to him that he liked the quietness. It gave him the chance to think more and have a conversation with himself even though it wasn’t really helping him.

Masuda should be waiting for them at the airport; that was what Shige informed them while they were at the airport so they wouldn’t bother buying tickets for the additional trip going to the hotel. Koyama left Shige’s side while they were walking out of the lobby to briefly talk to him, asking if he was and would be alright. Tegoshi’s tongue itched to say that he wouldn’t be but he didn’t want to be a burden and worry the older so he told him that he would be. It didn’t look like he convinced Koyama, though, but nonetheless, he nodded and took Tegoshi’s words for it.

Shige was the one communicating with Masuda during the whole trip. He was even the one who guided them where Masuda was waiting for them.

It was easy to spot Masuda for he was waving at them excitedly when he saw them going to his direction.

“Aren’t you too excited?” Shige commented with a laugh once they were all face to face.

“Massu!” Koyama called dramatically and enthusiastically, giving Masuda a bear hug which was returned by the latter.

As to not look rude and create tension, Tegoshi greeted Masuda, too; raising his palm for a high five. “How are you?” Tegoshi then asked briefly.

Masuda smiled at him as he took Tegoshi’s heavy suitcase from to put in the trunk of the car. “I’m fine.”

“That’s good to know.” Tegoshi couldn’t make up what answer he was expecting. It was just that, the Masuda at the restaurant was different with the Masuda he was face to face with. He wasn’t overly brimming with happiness, Tegoshi couldn’t see that. But he was also not as bad as the last time they talked and somehow he felt disappointed. Because it only proved that he was the only one suffering in a hopeless situation. He shouldn’t blame anyone, especially Masuda, because no one asked him to fall for his partner but at this moment, he also couldn’t wish for his utmost happiness. And for that; Tegoshi could only apologize to him silently.

Koyama and Shige were the first ones to ride the car while Tegoshi stayed beside Masuda until he finished loading the luggage. But his attention wasn’t in it as his thought delved in deeper again only to be brought back into reality when Masuda tapped his arm.

“Are you okay?” Masuda asked.

“Ye… yeah.”

Masuda sighed and his expression became soft, a little sad. “Tegoshi, if I made you feel uneasy because of the things I told you when we last saw each other then I’m sorry. I had an emotional outburst and it was wrong to overwhelm you by it.”

Tegoshi bowed his head, unsure of what he should answer. Thankfully, he didn’t have to because Koyama had called them asking if Masuda was done. So without any words, Tegoshi turned around, rode at the backseat, and left Masuda outside.

–––

The hotel wasn’t too far from the airport with just thirty minutes on the road and the while ride had been loud. Shige was back on a good mood and Koyama was talking to Masuda the whole time. Tegoshi would occasionally join in the conversation normally, just like how he usually did it. Surprisingly, he didn’t betray himself to trip over words and show his real emotions.

At the lobby of the hotel, Masuda walked ahead of them, going to the reception area of the hotel. Tegoshi thought it was to get their room cards but it wasn’t. There was a woman standing, talking happily to the receptionist and Masuda went to her, touching her arm lightly to let her know that he arrived, Tegoshi assumed. Masuda talked to her for a little bit before they turned their heads to where the three of them stood.

Wearing a bright and accommodating smile, the woman pulled Masuda to go towards them. As the distance between them and the couple grew smaller, Tegoshi knotted his head with a realization that he wasn’t sure of blossomed deep in his mind. It was like he had seen her before but he was certain that Tegoshi had never met her before. She wore a white and yellow color combination of maternity dress. Her baby bump was also obvious. She glowed and she was _simply_ stunning – a beauty.

“Hi!” She greeted.

They were taken aback with how quick they had to meet her. Masuda did tell them that they’d meet her but they thought that it wasn’t until the planned dinner.

Tegoshi was the one who greeted her back, shaking her hand and introducing himself. “Hello there. I’m Tegoshi.”

“Yes, I know. Heard a lot about you from _Takahisa._ ” She giggled and excitedly turned to Koyama and Shige and shook their hands, too. “You’re Koyama-san, right? And Kato-san. I’m Kairi, Takahisa’s fiancée. It’s nice to finally meet all of you.” Then she stepped back to Masuda’s side, snuggled closely, and an arm wrapped around his waist as Masuda’s arm was on around her shoulders.

“Have we met anywhere before?” Koyama asked curiously.

Kairi looked at him, puzzled. “No, I believe not.”

Tegoshi watched them intently and bit his lower lip, jealousy swarming on his chest as the others talked happily and comfortably. They were too close for his own liking.

“Where’s my room?” Tegoshi interrupted. He wanted out because breathing had never been this hard for him. Just when he thought he’d be fine. Just when he thought he was done crying. Just when he thought he stopped feeling a thing already. Now, all he wanted was to throw himself on the bed and locked himself up until everything was over; until he stopped hurting.

Naturally, he caught everyone’s attention for he was never the type to interrupt. Even though he was bored, he always waited patiently so as not to disrespect anyone. But at that moment, it was too impossible to maintain his composure, he’d lash out if he stayed for a minute longer. He didn’t want to ruin anything just because he couldn’t control his damned feelings.

He felt a hand squeezing his forearm and Koyama shifting to look at him straight. “Tegoshi are you alright? You don’t look too well.”

Tegoshi looked up at him, bit his tongue hard until it stung, and tried to bring his smile back. “I’m fine, Keii-chan, but I feel tired. Can I just go to my room?” Then he tilted his head so he could see Masuda, “Massu?”

That was when he saw Masuda staring at him seriously before answering, “Yes, of course.” Masuda handed a card to him which Tegoshi took quickly and excused himself immediately.

Five minutes after he entered the reserved room for him, he received a message from Koyama asking if he was really fine and informing him that he and Shige have also went to their room. He even reminded Tegoshi that dinner would be an hour after at the hotel’s restaurant.

Even with the lack of motivation to attend the dinner, Tegoshi still got up from the bed, brought out a semi-formal outfit, and went to the hotel’s restaurant at the designated time – although everyone was already seated when he got there and apparently, they were just waiting for him to arrive so they could start ordering what food to eat.

The dinner was fancy, with Tegoshi being distracted most of the time because Masuda and Kairi were in front of him and they would sometimes whisper whatnots to each other. Koyama and Shige didn’t differ, there were times that they would seem to be trapped in their own little world; giggling and clacking their glasses of wine. Half of the time together was spent talking about them, recalling epic and funny moments from when they were still NEWS until the topic was directed to the couple; mainly, about their baby.

“Have you found out the gender of the baby?” Koyama asked with utter curiosity, his hand resting on Shige’s waist, slightly drunk.

Masuda and Kairi looked at each other for a second and shook their heads. “We want it to be a surprise, so no.” Kairi answered.

“I want a girl.” Koyama pouted and nudged his shoulder on Shige who just chuckled.

“It’s my child, Koyama. You can’t just say what gender you want.” Masuda shot back with a laugh and Koyama pouted more and moved closely to Shige.

“If it’s time for Shige and me to become a papa, we’d definitely get a girl and she’d as cute as my niece.”

“You know it’s impossible, drunkard.” Shige flicked Koyama’s forehead.

It was thanks to Koyama that the atmosphere was light and Tegoshi, himself, was enjoying. Their leader was one of the most interesting people when drunken Tegoshi had ever met and he just couldn’t help pulling more extreme teasing, making him laugh his heart out.

And then Kairi turned to Tegoshi, “What about Tegoshi-kun? Any girlfriend? You should’ve brought her along.”

“No,” Koyama laughed and waved his hand and pointed on Tegoshi. “This guy doesn’t have that kind of person in his life right now.”

Tegoshi knew he had to stop Koyama before he could even _accidentally_ confess whatever he knew. But then Masuda spoke, “Right. Tegoshi is a player, after all.”

“It’s not that. This guy has an unrequited love for–,” Koyama didn’t finish what he was saying when Shige stood up, pulling Koyama’s arm. “You’re drunk already, it’s time to go back to our room.”

“Huh? Already?” Koyama asked innocently.

“Yes, let’s go.”

“But I’m still enjoying.” Koyama whined but Shige was firm and all it took was a glare and his boyfriend also stood up and followed like a puppy.

“Massu, we’re going. Kairi, good night.” Shige bid and the couple just nodded and waved their hands.

“Tegoshi, can you help me with Koyama?”

Tegoshi moved, nodded, and also bid good night to the couple.

There weren’t any conversations between Tegoshi and Shige when they rode the elevator, it was only Koyama singing loudly and banging the metal walls that later had gotten to Shige’s nerve.

–––

On the first day of the wedding rehearsals, Masuda had decided to do it in the afternoon because their friends were supposed to be arriving in the morning. There wasn’t anything that Tegoshi was thinking of doing while staying in Osaka so he decided to just laze around the whole time.

There was a knock on the door when it was time to go to the hall where the wedding ceremony would commence. Koyama and Shige were standing at the door of his suite, ready to go.

“Tego-chan,” Koyama called dearly as if he didn’t do anything the last night. “I heard what I did last night from Shige, I’m sorry.” The older continued, chuckling.

Tegoshi just rolled his eyes on him and shut the door behind him, “Let’s go.”

There were already people when they arrived at the hall. Most have arrived, according to Masuda, and they just have to wait for a little longer for the others. For the meantime, Masuda had introduced Tegoshi to the live band that he would be singing with. He told him that they’ve been informed about the arrangement of the song and should be ready to rehearse with Tegoshi as the vocal. Tegoshi decided to test it out as early as possible to see if there should be adjustments that would be needed to be done as it would be sung while the bride walked down the aisle and Masuda agreed.

Together with a girl that would back him up with the harmonies of Hanamuke, they started singing. It was fine at first; the girl could keep up with Tegoshi even though it was barely. But when they reached the second up to the last verse, everything just fell apart. It was horrible and it had been a long time since Tegoshi had experienced singing with someone whose vocal notes were all over the place. Maybe it was the reason why he wasn’t able to hide his irritation.

“It wasn’t good.” Tegoshi said straightforwardly.

The girl just bowed her head in embarrassment and apologized.

And before Tegoshi could say another thing that would possibly hurt the girl more, Masuda interfered.

“Hey, how about we do it, Tegoshi? I still have time to do one run of the song.” Then Masuda turned to the girl, wearing a gentle smile, “I’ll do the melodies that you’re in so listen carefully, okay?”

Tegoshi didn’t object. If there was someone who professionally knew how much Tegoshi loved music and singing, that would be Masuda. And if there was someone who could blend with his voice perfectly even without practice then that would be Masuda. Letting the girl actually listen to Tegoshi’s singing and ideal quality would be less tasking than teaching her from the basics.

Once the band began playing, though, Tegoshi couldn’t help but get nervous; and when he started singing, he was sure that it was the most emotional Hanamuke he had ever sung.

_Hajimari no kaneganatte nagai michi arukidashita_ _  
Eien no yorokobi negau yo  
Ichido kiri tokubetsu na hi kokoro kara omoikomete  
Okuritai hanamuke no uta wo  
Anata ni_

Along each line, Tegoshi’s mind wandered. He remembered those times when they would sing this song. It was painful, but nevertheless, encouraging. It was a kind and pure love; it was letting go without and bitterness in the heart. It was the love he wished he had for Masuda. He wished he could let go.

_Fuwari junpa kuma totta kirari anata wa kagayaite_ _  
Hon no sukoshi samishii kamo nandakai tsumoyori tooku kanjiruyo_

Originally, those should have been Masuda’s lines to sing. Tegoshi knew the meaning to every line, basically, for it was their song, but he had never felt it as much as he did now. He wanted to ask if he could; how could his love for his partner be different from the love he gave to others. Why did Masuda have to be a little bit more special than them?

_Hakushu ga yawarakaku hibiki wataru itsumademo_ _  
Mirai no hikari ni massugu michibikarete ippou fumidashita_

In Tegoshi’s peripheral vision, he saw people gathering and he thought how nice would it be if this was another Tegomass concert. He’d be proud and happy. Because in that way, he’d have the chance to monopolize Masuda; even if it was just him as a friend. Simply put, Tegoshi just wanted to be together with him again just like they were before when there were just the two of them.

_Hajimari no kaneganatte nagai michi arukidashita_ _  
Eien no yorokobi negau yo  
Ichido kiri tokubetsu na hi kokoro kara omoikomete  
Okuritai hanamuke no uta wo  
Anata ni_

_Shanto futari yorisotte egao sakutabi hanayaide  
Hon no sukoshi yakechau kedo tottemo ii hito ni aeta tte wakaruyo_

_Sora wo mau hanabira tashikana kizuna kanjiru  
Donna kabe demo kanarazu koe te yukeru kitto futarinara_

Among the little crowd that gather, Tegoshi didn’t miss to spot Kairi, smiling sweetly towards Masuda. He felt his heart clenched. There was the woman who owned Masuda and in a few days’ time, they’d be tied legally and be bounded by the sacred matrimony. It was a total defeat for him.

_Hajimari no kaneganatte nagai michi arukidashita  
Eien no yorokobi negau yo  
Ichido kiri tokubetsu na hi kokoro kara omoikomete  
Okuritai hanamuke no uta wo  
Futari ni_

_Hajimari no kaneganatte nagai michi arukidashita_ _  
Eien no yorokobi negau yo  
Ichido kiri tokubetsu na hi kokoro kara omoikomete  
Okuritai hanamuke no uta wo  
  
_

_Itsuka wa makenai kurai dareka wo aishite mitai  
Sono toki wa jiman ni iku kara  
Kyou kara hajimaru hibi wo sekaijuu no dare yorimo  
Shiawase ni natte kudasai  
Futari de_

Just before the song ended, out of habit, Tegoshi stared at Masuda at the right time that they’d have to harmonize and it was a relief that Masuda was also looking back at him. He smiled, genuinely, as a warm and painful feeling spread in his chest. It was his farewell song to the person who was once his partner. The hardest thing to do was to let him go but this was Masuda’s happiness. It was the last and best thing that Tegoshi could do for him.

Loud applauses filled Tegoshi’s ears when the song finished and chatters that were nothing but praise and admiration. They did make Tegoshi feel proud like always but a part of him didn’t want the commendations. He felt a tap on his back and a whisper on his ear that gave him cold shivers, “That was _good,_ I think.” Masuda whispered, leaning close to him.

Tegoshi nodded and stepped back to maintain a distance. It would be bad if Masuda heard the fast and loud thumps of his heart.

“It might take a little bit of this and that with the girl that would harmonize with you, but be patient, please. You used to help the juniors back at the agency with their vocal trainings, I’m sure you could work it out on her.”

And again, Tegoshi nodded.

After Tegoshi and Masuda’s mini performance; attendance check and the entourage was almost complete so they started the rehearsal. There wasn’t any special feeling yet watching them walk one by one and pair by pair in the aisle. The purpose of having the rehearsal was familiarity, after all. So everything would be organized and beautiful – a typical thing to do for Masuda.

Not finding any interest in watching them more, Tegoshi got up from where he was sitting to rest and looked for the girl to teach her on the proper harmonization with him.

–––

The next days of rehearsals went by a little bit smoother. Tegoshi and the band had tried out singing at the same time as the bride walked down the aisle and it was fairly good. The hall was also starting to be decorated, too, with the color motifs of dusty rose and black. And with the wedding to be held tomorrow, Tegoshi could say that it felt more and more real. That thing that he used to deny to himself would be happening in less than twenty four hours.

Guests and family members of the bride and groom have started arriving. It had been a while but Tegoshi, Koyama, and Shige got to talk to Masuda’s parents and even had a dinner the night before. His sister was to arrive late, though, because she was caught up with her work. Parents said that she should make it just before the ceremony would start.

When the final rehearsal finished, Koyama and Shige went to Tegoshi who was giving final advices to Yui, the chorus girl. Tegoshi was more comfortable with her now than the last two days. She was a fast learner and Tegoshi could see her potential if only she would be more serious in singing. When he was done, he turned to the couple and was about to invite them out to eat when Shige spoke.

“We’ve talked to some of Massu’s guy friends and they were asking if we had already arranged his bachelor’s party.”

Tegoshi knotted his forehead, “But we didn’t plan anything for him?”

“Yes, that’s why they were asking. Apparently, they’d be throwing a bachelor’s party tonight for Massu and they were asking if maybe we could go.”

“I guess we can.” Tegoshi shrugged. There was no use of declining; he’d accepted that he couldn’t change anything now. Maybe he could chug a whole barrel’s worth of wine or beer and cry the last of his tears in his room after. He figure that that wouldn’t be so bad.

“Will you be okay with it?” Koyama asked.

“He would be. I don’t see any reason why Tegoshi wouldn’t be. Aside from liquor, I heard there will be girls. Tegoshi is allowed to set on a target but _not_ you, understand?” Shige told Koyama harshly.

“Come on, Shige, I won’t ever cheat on you.” Koyama wailed.

“You don’t know that, _Keiichiro_.” Shige shot back sarcastically.

“No! I’m sure of it; I only love you. Shige!”

Tegoshi laughed with their silliness and shook his head, marching away from them, “Isn’t it nice to be in love? Stop that now, you’re making me envious. Ah, Keii-chan, I’m hungry. Treat me good food.”

“There goes your _son_ wanting to be spoiled again,” Shige followed Tegoshi, pulling Koyama with him.

“Isn’t it fine? If a good food would be able to bring his smile back even for a moment, then I’d treat him everywhere he wants to eat.” Koyama said softly but seriously as he took Shige’s hand on his.

Shige had the puzzled look on his face and looked at Koyama as if he just said something ridiculous, “What’s with you all of a sudden?”

Koyama stopped on his tracks and faced Shige, cupping his face and landing a peck on the bridge of his nose, “Nothing. I’m talking about the happiness that good food could bring.” Koyama laughed and tugged Shige. “Let’s go before my _son_ becomes impatient.”

–––

Masuda’s friends have reserved a deluxe suite for his bachelor’s party. There were only a little bit over ten men inside – including them four, few girls that were hired for the party’s entertainment, lots of booze and snacks, and loud music was banging in the whole room. A little while ago, before everyone went wild, there was a toast for the groom-to-be and some that were already married, about three of them, have given advices for him – mostly, it was _“the husband could never go against the wife”_ which gained laughs. There was a request for any of the NEWS members to give a little speech but they refused it, saying Koyama would most likely give one for tomorrow so they should just wait for it.

As for Tegoshi, he chose to go to the veranda after declining three girls that tried to sway their hips in front of him. He didn’t want any company for the night even though that would most probably keep him off any thoughts about his situation. No, he was pretty satisfied just drinking in the corner with cans of beer and two bottles of wine placed in the table in front of him. Some moments after, he heard the glass door slid open. When he turned to see who was it – Koyama. He smiled at him and turned his eyes back to the dark skies, cold wind against his skin.

Koyama sat on the available seat and opened a beer. Tegoshi didn’t speak. He liked his mind blank, but then Koyama spoke shortly after taking a sip. “Are you going to be okay with this?”

“With what?” Tegoshi asked back, feigning knowledge on the opened topic.

“Massu.” Koyama answered simply.

There was a pause from Tegoshi; he looked down on the can he was holding. “I’ll be fine, I think.”

“You think?”

Tegoshi hemmed in agreement, “Yeah.”

Koyama sighed, “Since when, Tegoshi?”

“Long ago. When I was told to behave. He was with me for most of the times and when I finally understood what I feel for him, I was already fallen deep. Loving Massu gave a good feeling; it made me happy without the need of confessing to him. I have regrets, too, Keii-chan. Like, why didn’t I tell him I love him? And if I did, would I be hurting this much right now? But if I think deeply, it’s not like Massu sees me the way I see him. I’m his friend and his vocal partner, that’s all I am to him.” Tegoshi explained with a sad smile.

“Man, isn’t that serious?” Was the only thing Koyama could say. He had never heard Tegoshi talk about love so seriously. He knew how mentally and emotionally strong could their youngest be and never did Koyama imagine that the one that would cause him too much pain would be the person he was with for more than half of his life already. But Koyama couldn’t blame Masuda. The man didn’t know anything, after all. He was hurting for Tegoshi; all he ever wanted was for Shige, Masuda, and Tegoshi to be happy. But everything felt so unsure now for Tegoshi because the person who had his happiness would be walking on a different path.

“I am.” Tegoshi chuckled and downed the remaining content of the can.

Koyama didn’t speak after that anymore; mainly because there was nothing to talk about anymore. He knew he couldn’t give the comfort that Tegoshi wanted and needed. If there was a person who could give him that, then that would be no other than the same person who caused him sorrow and suffering.

They sat outside silently, sipping from their cans. Sometimes they could hear the loud laughter from inside the room and, thankfully, it wasn’t as loud as Tegoshi would want to hear because they made sure that the glass door was closed so the noise would be lessen. For about fifteen minute after, there was another who opened the door. Tegoshi assumed it was Shige so he didn’t bother turning around to check. That man really hated noisy crowd and the situation inside was getting wilder and wilder.

“They’re already drunk inside.” Someone said and puffed an exhausted sigh.

Tegoshi quickly looked behind and it was Masuda. Upon seeing him, he couldn’t help but laugh quietly with how he looked; hair was a mess, there were lipstick marks on one of his cheeks, and the _“the bachelor”_ sash that his friends playfully made him wear from the start of party was barely hanging on his shoulder.

“You look like you’ve gone to war.” Tegoshi commented.

Masuda wrinkled his nose and frowned, holding onto the backrest of the chair to support his self. “I couldn’t keep up with their excitement. They just wouldn’t leave me alone; teasing me to pick a girl to shag at the last night of me being a bachelor. They’re hopeless, really.”

Tegoshi and Koyama just laughed and told Masuda so sit down which he did, popping the bottle of wine and pouring on the empty goblet.

“I wasn’t expecting you to be _here_ , though.” Masuda said after drinking his wine in one go. “I thought you’d be the very first one to be taking a woman back to your room tonight.”

“Not feeling it.” Tegoshi simply answered. Masuda nodded.

Koyama then stood up and placed the beer he was drinking back to the table, “I’m going inside. Have to make sure my Shige hasn’t been eaten by any of the girls yet.”

“Nobody would even attempt, Keii-chan,” Tegoshi joked.

Koyama stared at him emotionless. “What are you saying, brat? Shige is hot and handsome. Everyone is a rival.” Then he laughed and continued, tapping Masuda’s shoulder. “Anyway, I’ll excuse myself for a bit. I’ll leave you two here.”

When Koyama was gone, Masuda spoke; amused, “You really like teasing Koyama, don’t you?

“Yeah, I live for his amusing reactions.”Tegoshi immediately answered.

“When was the last time we were left alone together? Oh, it was at the restaurant.”

“Yeah. When you said you fucked up.”

“Tegoshi, I… I’m really sorry about that time.” Masuda straightened his back and faced Tegoshi.

“It’s really nothing to me now. I understand. You had too much in your mind at that time and it was wrong for me to add.” He lied. It still mattered to him. For some reasons, it still did. “But I can’t believe you are marrying such a beauty, Massu. You really hit the jackpot this time, huh?” Tegoshi added, faking enthusiasm. He had to show him he was happy for him. He had to do it to let Masuda believe that Tegoshi was happy for him.

Masuda chuckled but didn’t answer; nor did Tegoshi follow-up to make a decent conversation.

“I’ve been nervous. I’m nervous right now.” Masuda admitted.

“Having wedding jitters?”

“No. Maybe. But it’s more like I can’t believe it’s finally happening tomorrow. I’m closing a chapter of my life tonight and start new one tomorrow. Sometimes I’d tremble thinking that a part of me isn’t ready to leave how my life used to be. I still imagine myself standing at the center of the stage, dancing on top of the moving stages, seeing the fans wave their light sticks, and hearing their screams.” Masuda paused and cleared his throat. “That was my ultimate happiness. Performing as NEWS, singing as Tegomass, designing costumes as Massu. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t able to leave an impression to others. All I want is for them to enjoy what we worked so hard for to create. But then I had to leave it behind.”

If Tegoshi had an option, he didn’t want to talk about _this._ Everyone had been avoiding talking about the group’s ending. None of them were mad but it was also too hard for them to accept it so easily that their careers as NEWS members were done.

“Remember that interview we did, Tegoshi? Biteki.” Masuda said, changing topics when he felt the discomfort from Tegoshi in talking about NEWS.

Tegoshi tried to remember which interview Masuda was talking about. He did remember wearing a yukata for a Biteki shoot but not the whole interview. “No.”

“Come on, _that_ one. The one were we said that we were bounded by fate.” Masuda recalled fondly, patting part of his chest before pulling out the necklace he was wearing under his shirt. He got up from his seat, moved his chair side by side with Tegoshi’s, and sat again.

A ring. It was ring made as the necklace’s pendants. There was a line in the middle but Tegoshi couldn’t make up what color it was because they were against the light.

“What is that?” Tegoshi asked.

Masuda removed the necklace around his neck and showed the rings to Tegoshi. There was enough light illuminating them when they were laid on Masuda’s palm. Silver band rings with rubies lined around in each of them.

“I’ve been meaning to give this to you. I got it for your birthday last year but I never had the chance to give it you, so here.”

Taking a closer look, Tegoshi’s brows knotted in confusion. It wasn’t his finger size, too small. “Massu, I appreciate the sentiment but that won’t fit my index or ring finger.” Tegoshi said and showed his hand.

“It isn’t to be worn in any of the fingers you mentioned.” Masuda took Tegoshi’s hand and with the ring on his fingertips, he slid it on Tegoshi’s pinky finger and it fit perfectly.

“Wow.” Tegoshi muttered in amazement. He never thought about having a ring on his pinky. Usually, he’d wear a ring on his index and ring fingers. Then he realized that was why it was so small. “This is beautiful. Thank you.”

“It’s already late as a birthday present so just think of it as my thank-you-gift for you.”

“For what?”

“You are my soulmate. Without you, I wouldn’t be the man that I am now. I wouldn’t have loved the industry so much and I wouldn’t have enjoyed singing as much as I did. You were the best rival and partner for me. I can never thank you enough. That ring, it was customized to represent a visible red string of fate. To show you that soulmates are real.” Masuda was looking straight at Tegoshi’s eyes while he spoke. And he knew that when Masuda did that, he was being honest. How could he stop loving this man when he never failed to show him that he cared? It was both painful and heart-whelming.

“The red string of fate is for _fated lovers,_ though, Massu.” Tegoshi answered instead to contain the emotions he was dealing with internally.

That was when Masuda’s smile changed from fond to a sad one. He let go of Tegoshi’s hand and tucked his hair behind his ear, seeing the ruby earrings he was wearing. “I wish I was brave enough.” Masuda said vaguely.

Tegoshi didn’t understand him and wasn’t able to ask him further when one of Masuda’s friend came out and dragged Masuda back inside.

Tegoshi touched the ring on his pinky at the same tine a stray tear ran down from his eyes which he quickly wiped off and blinked the tears away. The ring was so wrong to have but felt so right to wear. To think that rings are the most important props on a wedding together with the vows to be said; why did it have to feel like Masuda had something more to say? And of all things that Masuda could have given him the night before his wedding day, why did it have to be a ring?

“Stop binding me more to you when I’m trying my best to move on, idiot.” Tegoshi whispered, clasping his hands together and pressing them on his chest.

–––

Tegoshi was forced to join the party at the near end. He didn’t want to be branded as a ‘party pooper’ that was why when Masuda’s friend went to where he was and pulled him up from his seat to bring him inside, he didn’t object.

Masuda’s friends were fun and entertaining and they really made sure that they gave Masuda a night to remember. Koyama and Shige’s enjoyment were evident, too; blending in as if they were acquaintances.

When it was over and everyone had their fill of liquor, they decided to go back to their rooms. It started when Masuda’s friend excused himself then the others followed until there were only the four of them left in the messy room. Koyama was slightly drunk, ogling at Shige, stealing kisses that the latter would shield himself from. Shige could hold his liquor; a strong drinker so it didn’t surprise Tegoshi that he still knew what was happening around him at that moment. But not long after, Koyama was already wailing for them to go back to their room.

Masuda, on the other hand, had been lying on the couch for about half an hour already while Tegoshi sat on the single couch, his eyes closed because he could feel the Earth moving – he was dizzy.

“Tegoshi,” Shige called and shook him. “We’re going back to our room. Can you take care of Massu?”

Tegoshi groaned, “No, I’m going back to my room, too.”

“Take Massu to his room first.”

“I can’t, Shige, I’m too dizzy to do it.”Tegoshi complained; his eyes still closed. He only opened them when after a while, he heard no response from the person he was talking to. Squinting, he scanned the whole room. Masuda was still lying, but Tegoshi couldn’t see anyone apart from him. He tried saying their names but there was no one who answered. He cursed silently and stood up. The first try to stand up straight was futile; Tegoshi felt like he was floating. There was an option that they could just spend the night there and they could sleep peacefully but the whole room reeked of liquor and it was bad for Tegoshi’s nose.

Trying his hardest to reach the sink, he washed his face with cold water so the dizziness would have faded even at least a little. He stayed there for minutes but he didn’t feel any better. Next thing he knew, he was already letting the water wet his whole head and that was he slowly felt relief. He didn’t know for how long he stayed bending over the sink but the cold water helped a lot to remove the dizziness he was feeling. The only problem was, his hair was dripping wet so he had to go to the bathroom to get a towel and get it dried.

When he returned to where Masuda was, the man was awake; sitting and had his usual spacing out face. He turned his head to Tegoshi when he felt his presence.

“Everyone left.” Masuda stated.

“Yeah, they couldn’t drink anymore.” Tegoshi answered and gave Masuda a bottle of cold water.

“What time is it?”

“A little past twelve midnight.”

“I’ll go back to my room.” Masuda then stood up but fell back down on the couch almost immediately which got Tegoshi reflexively drawing nearer to support Masuda and not hurt himself.

“The floor is moving.” Masuda told him.

Tegoshi snickered, “I had the same feeling a while ago.” He took one of Masuda’s arms and put it around his shoulders. “Come on, I’ll help you to your room.”

On Tegoshi’s cue, they got up from the couch at once and proceeded out of the room.

–––

Shige frowned when he got out of the shower. He thought his boyfriend had fallen asleep ahead of him but he wasn’t on the bed.

“Keii?” He called, walking towards the bed while drying his hair with a towel. He heard Koyama answered shortly; his voice coming from the veranda so he went there.

Koyama was leaning against the metal rail, looking nowhere in the dark night wearing a serious expression on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Shige asked quietly.

“Don’t you think Kairi looks like someone? I can’t help getting the feeling that whenever I look at her, it seems like I’ve seen her before. I just don’t know where.” Koyama pondered.

“Tegoshi.” Shige answered immediately and took his eyes away from his boyfriend. “She looks like Tegoshi. Her round eyes, the way she smiles, and her nose. If you look closer, they also almost have the same shape of faces.”

That was when Koyama started to realize and his jaw dropped. He was thinking out of his circle the whole time so he didn’t figure out the physical resemblance between Kairi and Tegoshi. He tried to say something but his voice wouldn’t come out; he was shocked from it. Tegoshi had always been in love with Masuda and now Masuda will be marrying someone that looked like Tegoshi but a woman. He didn’t know if Tegoshi had realized their resemblance but Koyama’s heart clenched for his friend. Why did his love have to be so bitter?

“But still, I never thought Massu would go for someone that looks like Tegoshi,” Shige added.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Massu had a one-sided crush on Tegoshi since we were young but he never confessed. And now he found a woman that he’ll take to the altar tomorrow… it’s crazy that she looks like Tegoshi. Does that mean he couldn’t get over Tegoshi or is it just a coincidence?” Shige had thought it over ever since the first time they met Kairi. Not only did she resemble some of Tegoshi’s appearance, but also a part of her personality reminded him of Tegoshi.

Shige heard Koyama groaned loudly and he pulled his hair out of frustration. The next word he heard from his boyfriend was a series of curse words; truth be told, Shige wasn’t used to hearing Koyama spit such words so it worried him where were all of these coming from. He rubbed Koyama’s back to comfort him and the latter held and pulled him close as he buried his face on Shige’s neck, still groaning.

“Why am I only finding out everything now? Masuda had feelings for Tegoshi; and Tegoshi had been suffering because of him. I should have paid more attention to the both of them. I’m so useless.” Koyama cried.

It wasn’t a surprise for Shige when Koyama told him that Tegoshi was suffering; it was rather obvious the changes in him – how he would freeze on little things that could possibly invade his privacy, how his smile wasn’t the same as it used to be, and how he would just suddenly go quiet when Masuda was with them. He hadn’t known Tegoshi for more than a decade to not notice anything. He couldn’t blame Koyama for feeling frustrated over people that knew how to decide for themselves, but on the contrary, they also couldn’t leave them alone s easily especially if they were hurting each other. His sympathy was on the same level as his boyfriend, but Shige also knew that they couldn’t do anything to change the situation anymore. Everything was _too_ late.

He hugged Koyama, comforted him. “If you think that this is your fault, then you’re wrong. They had chances of confessing to each other. They had a lot of time but neither of them had the courage to do so. I don’t know what Masuda feels for Tegoshi. He may or may not have moved on from Tegoshi but that doesn’t matter now. He decided to walk a different path from him and we should respect that.”

“I know… I just can’t bear seeing any of you hurting.”

With that, Shige didn’t speak. He could feel how Koyama’s shoulder softly shook against his embrace and he knew that Koyama needed to let it all out by crying. He embraced him tighter, kissing the top of his head whenever Koyama would mutter words blaming himself.

When Shige thought Koyama felt a little bit better, he pushed the older away from him and cupped his face instead; running his thumbs under his eyes to wipe the tears. Shige couldn’t help but smile. One trait that made him fall in love with the man in front of him was that he was basically a selfless person. He had never seen him angry, not even once. When he was frustrated and lonely, he would cry just like he was doing now. He was a man with a big heart and Shige couldn’t be any prouder that he was the one whom he loved when he was sure that there were others who were more deserving and fitting for Koyama.

He inched his face closer until he reached Koyama’s lips and kissed him. Shige knew Koyama didn’t need any more words from him; but in his own little ways, he wanted to let him know that he understood him.

When they parted, Shige looked gazed at Koyama lovingly. “I know it hurts you so much that you can’t do anything for those two but let’s hope that they’ll be okay again in time. Tegoshi has coping skills and he knows better than to completely fall into sadness. Massu is building his own family and we could only support him on the next chapter of his life. We can’t pick sides.”

Koyama nodded continuously and sniffed. Shige’s words got through him and that was the end of it. Koyama might still worry but Shige was more than willing to ease it every time he needed to.

“Let’s go inside. It’s chilly here.” Shige said after a while.

“Do you want me to warm you up?” Koyama asked innocently like there what he said didn’t have any second meaning.

Shige smirked, grabbed the collars of his boyfriend’s shirt and kissed him deep and wet; a totally different kiss from the first one. “Damn, you’re really bad with picking the right words to say and at the wrong moment. Take responsibility.”

He felt Koyama smile against his lips and lifted him up, Shige’s legs wrapping around his waist as he walked back inside.

“Are you going to be fine tomorrow? I don’t want you getting sore in the morning.” Koyama said but he couldn’t imagine himself stopping at any moment – not when his lips were kissing his favorite part already, Shige’s neck.

Shige groaned which Koyama found to be so ambiguous because he didn’t know if Shige agreed or urged him to continue. But he got his answer shortly when Shige let out a moan of pleasure. _He wanted to continue._

–––

Masuda and Kairi’s room was at the same floor as Tegoshi’s. Room 512. Luckily, Masuda didn’t seem to be too drunk; he just needed assistance to stand up straight because his legs were obviously wobbly. Tegoshi knocked on the door but Masuda told him off quickly that Kairi wasn’t there.

“You know… traditions and such; not letting the bride and groom see each other the night before their wedding because that would be bad luck.” He explained briefly and handed the room card instead and asked Tegoshi if he could open it for him.

When the door was opened, Tegoshi took a step inside so he could prevent the door from swinging close before Masuda could even enter. But when he switched the lights on, the whole room confused him. Masuda and Kairi’s room was a double bed room. He opened his mouth to ask Masuda about it but the latter spoke first, calling out his name.

“Can you stay here with me tonight?” Masuda asked shyly. He was avoiding Tegoshi’s eyes so he went towards one of the beds and sat.

“What?” Tegoshi asked back, intending Masuda to make it clearer for him.

Masuda was starting to get fidgety then – an indication of his uncertainness. “I want you to stay.”

Tegoshi knew he had to decline Masuda’s offer for the sake of his sanity and his heart but a part of him was hoping for a special reason behind it. He was desperate.

He bit his lip before answering, “Why?”

“I miss you.”

“I’m here with you. You can’t possibly miss me.” Tegoshi tried to laugh it off with a lame humor but failed considerably when Masuda stared at him seriously; hope was visible in his eyes that Tegoshi would agree.

“Why?” Tegoshi couldn’t help to ask again.

“This is the last time that I have the freedom to ask for it, Tegoshi. Starting from tomorrow night until to the last night of the validity of my marriage with Kairi which will probably last for a lifetime, I won’t have the right to ask my partner again to room with me just like the old times.”

Masuda’s answers were indefinite. Tegoshi couldn’t read any deeper meaning to them as he also couldn’t understand the need of him staying for the night. He was fast in making up his mind – _no._ But before he could tell that to Masuda, his smart mouth answered _yes_ for him instead that made Masuda’s face lit up when he heard it and Tegoshi figured that there was no turning back on it; not when his heart whelmed up on seeing Masuda being joyous about it.

“I want to take a shower, though. Can I go over to my room and do it quickly?”

Masuda pouted and shook his head and he pointed on his luggage, “I brought plenty of shirts, I could just let you borrow one.”

“Your shirts are too wide for me.” Tegoshi reasoned.

“What happened with the Tegoshi who wanted me to give him clothes?”

He rolled his eyes on Masuda and clicked his tongue. Masuda got him good. An oversized shirt was never an issue if it was for sleeping, and he couldn’t deny that he wore those kinds of clothes from time to time.

“Then I’ll borrow the shower.” Tegoshi said and gave up.

Masuda beamed a smile, “Go ahead.”

–––

Masuda used the shower room next and Tegoshi was left alone without informing which bed he should occupy. Although considering where Masuda settled a while ago and the other bed was empty, he went ahead and lied there. He wasn’t sure if he should wait for Masuda to finish and go out of the bathroom because he could feel his eyelids getting heavy. And just when he was about to close his eyes and succumb to his sleepiness, the bathroom door clicked open at the same time that Masuda walked out of it looking so hot with his hair wet. He scanned the man’s body from his head down and made a face when he saw him already wearing a jogger pants.

“What’s with the face?” Masuda laughed.

Tegoshi didn’t answer and closed his eyes again to sleep for real this time but Masuda called him from the other bed. “What are you doing there?”

“Sleeping.” Tegoshi answered, stretching out the obvious.

“I mean, why are you there?”

“Because it’s unoccupied, Massu.” Tegoshi groaned.

“I know but… my bed can fit two.”

Tegoshi’s eyes flicked wide open; losing his sleep from what he just heard as he could hear his own heart pounding inside his chest so loudly that he could feel it in his head.

“I want to talk to you until morning.” Masuda added. A hyperbole so he could convince Tegoshi to move from the other bed to Masuda’s.

“We could still talk this way.” He wouldn’t be swayed with Masuda’s demand this time. It was enough that he agreed to spend the night with him in the same room and there shouldn’t be any more than that. But Tegoshi wasn’t able to react immediately when Masuda walked to him and, without words, lifted him up from the bed and transferred where Masuda wanted him to be.

“Massu!” Tegoshi yelled when Masuda let go of him harshly; Tegoshi bounced on the soft mattress but all he got in exchange was the heartily laugh that he couldn’t remember when he last heard but he definitely missed it. “Damn you.” Tegoshi cursed and glared at Masuda who lied beside him without any further ado after switching the light off.

With a smile, Masuda lifted the covers for him and Tegoshi up to their chins. They were both lying on their sides – face to face with the only light coming from the lamp illuminated each other’s faces. They were silent at first, contented; but for Tegoshi, the silence made him to want to tell Masuda what his heart had been wanting to.

“Tomorrow’s your big day.” Tegoshi started in a whisper, creating a topic that would divert him from what he was tempted to do.

Masuda nodded and Tegoshi noticed how his expression changed into something incomprehensible.

“Congratulations, Massu.”

“Tell me that tomorrow, Tegoshi.”

To say that he felt like his heart was pricked with a thousand needles wasn’t supposed to be an understatement. It hurt him that he was finally letting go of someone who had never been his.

He didn’t notice the tears falling from his eyes until Masuda brought his hand out from the blanket and reached for his cheek, holding him gently.

“Please don’t cry.” Masuda hushed in a forced composure.

“Sorry.” Tegoshi answered and tried to smile but he choked on a sob instead. “You’re happy, aren’t you?” Tegoshi continued.

Masuda’s lips quivered and it didn’t escape Tegoshi’s eyes when a tear fell down from Masuda. Though, he chose not to comment on it. “I _will_ be.”

Tegoshi nodded and wiped his tears, “That’s reassuring to know.”

Masuda got up and opened the drawer beside him, taking out a little black box and showing Tegoshi what was inside – the pair to the ring that he gave him in the evening. Masuda took and wore it on left pinky finger because Tegoshi wore his on his right.

Masuda took Tegoshi’s hand and then put them together. He smiled, “You really are my soulmate.”

There was something from what Masuda had said that told Tegoshi there were still some things left unsaid but he was too scared to know it. No, he knew that he’d be better off not knowing it. Their story ended the moment Masuda decided to quit on them. But it was dumb of him to keep clinging on the littlest hope that something would change up to the last minute.

Tegoshi inhaled deeply and he intertwined Masuda’s hand with him. He saw the ruby stones glittering and they were so beautiful in his eyes. He wasn’t sure what to tell him. He just wanted to hold onto him for the last time and feel him. Masuda returned the gesture. He squeezed Tegoshi’s hand softly and that was when the younger wasn’t able to stop himself anymore. He moved and propped his elbow on the bed, moved close to Masuda and pressed their lips together.

The next words that came out of Tegoshi’s mouth were unexpected. His tears were falling on Masuda’s face and their hands were still locked to each other. It was the perfect moment at the worst time and place and it was over before Tegoshi realized it.

“I love you.”

His free hand moved to cover Masuda’s mouth. He didn’t want to be rejected. “For so long I’ve loved you. I’m not saying this to ruin anything, Massu. But I have to move on and I can’t go forward if I keep wallowing on my pain. I love you so much that just being near you hurts like crazy.”

When Masuda let go from holding his hand, Tegoshi anticipated to be kicked out of the room. That would be the ideal parting for him. He wanted to be alone. But Masuda didn’t do anything other than gently removed Tegoshi’s hand that was covering his mouth before placing his hand on Tegoshi’s neck and pulled him in for another kiss.

Tegoshi didn’t protest when Masuda wanted to take it deeper. He had nothing more to lose. He let himself be touched and peeled out of his clothes. His threw his rationality away for a moment of pleasure; to have an intimate memory from the person he loved the most. He gave him everything.

Masuda held him gently, kissed him tenderly, and whispered to him softly the entire time. At that moment, there was just the two of them pouring their hearts out with every action. Masuda was careful when he entered him, asking Tegoshi if he was alright and if he could bear the pain – words that Tegoshi didn’t hear when something happened with them for the first time because he took advantage of Masuda while he was unconscious. Masuda distracted him with sweet words and kisses all over his body as he buried his nails on his back.

Their bodies mingled as one with deep and heavy breaths and sweat. Masuda made him feel good and _loved_ as he realized over and over again how much he wanted the man; how much he wanted to be tied up to him with both body and heart and everything that he could be.

Tegoshi woke up from his slumber with Masuda’s arms securely wrapped around him as if he didn’t want to let go. It would have been nice to stay that way and never had to go but it was time to. Careful with his movements, Tegoshi broke away from Masuda’s embrace, got up, and got dressed. He took his phone from the nightstand and checked the time – four o’clock in the morning. He glanced at the sleeping Masuda and he thought maybe he could stay for another five minutes just to watch him sleep so he did. His body was sore and his hips were aching but Tegoshi disregarded it. It was the proof that what happened last night was true.

When his tears started building up in the corners of his eyes again, Tegoshi decided that he had to go out of the room already.

“It’s time to go?” Tegoshi heard Masuda speak from behind. He turned around and saw Masuda’s eyes open, looking at him. Tegoshi nodded.

“Tegoshi, about what happened…”

“Nothing happened, Massu. Please forget it.” It was such a beautiful memory for Tegoshi and in order to keep it that way, he had to stop Masuda from saying anything that would make it lose all meanings that Tegoshi hoped.

“That’s for the best.” Masuda smiled sadly and that was the cue for Tegoshi to make his way out of the room. But before he shut the door close, he heard Masuda spoke in a cracked voice, “Sorry that I wasn’t brave enough…”

–––

Back in his room, Tegoshi didn’t waste his time. He got his luggage and took his bag, opened it and checked for his passport, visa, and the one-way plane ticket he bought the day before they pushed for Osaka. He had a haunch that he wouldn’t be able to attend Masuda’s wedding; that a part of him believed he’d run away because he wouldn’t be able to bear seeing him go away. But now it was more of because of the guilty feeling that was starting to eat his conscience. He got a moment to be alone and think about what happened and his stomach churned in self-disgust, realizing he shouldn’t have confessed and even more had sex with Masuda. If Kairi would know about it, Tegoshi was sure that she’d be hurt and it would be too rude for him to show his face at the ceremony like nothing happened.

When everything was settled and Tegoshi had done his call to the hotel’s receptionist asking to get a cab for him that would take him to the airport, he phoned Shige. He could leave without saying anything to anyone but he didn’t have the courage to do that. They were still important to him, after all. It took a few rings until Shige answered with his hoarse and irritated voice.

“Shige, I can’t do it.” Tegoshi said quietly.

It was quiet on the other line at first and then he heard some rustling sounds before Shige spoke and it was quite a relief for Tegoshi that he didn’t have to elaborate what he said.

“What are you going to do then?” Shige asked calmly.

“I’m leaving.”

“Massu will be furious if you do that.”

“It doesn’t matter, Shige.”

“Tegoshi.” Shige called his name in a serious tone but it was more like he was pleading him not to be unreasonable by doing something so selfish.

That was when Tegoshi started to cry. He wanted the best for Masuda but he couldn’t get himself to wish for it when he was hurting so much.

“I slept last night in his room…” Tegoshi paused, swallowing the lump in his throat. “We had sex.”

“Oh, god.”

Tegoshi couldn’t see Shige but he could hear the frustration on the other man.

“Tegoshi, why?” Shige asked desperately. “You know you shouldn’t have done that, right?”

“I love him, Shige.” Tegoshi sobbed. “But I feel so guilty now and I don’t think I would be able to maintain my composure if I attended his wedding. Shige, please, I don’t want a lecture. I know what I’ve done and leaving is my only way out.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving the country in a few hours.”

Shige sighed exasperatedly, “Go. I’ll explain it to him later. But remember this, Tegoshi. You have no one to blame if he ended up hating you for not doing your part.”

Tegoshi knew that more than anyone.

–––

“It’s not like you to drink whiskey so early in the morning.”

Masuda jolted from his seat when he heard a voice spoke behind him. When he turned around to look at the person, he puffed an air to release the sudden tension. It was Kairi with a playful smile pasted on her lips.

“It’s not like you’re with me every morning.” He answered flatly and downed the remaining liquid on his glass before refilling it. A while ago, he was worried that he might smell of liquor if he took a shot few hours before his actual wedding but he figured that he needed it.

“That’s right.” Kairi chuckled and walked towards him, taking the glass off his grip and placing it on the empty spot on the desk of the vanity mirror. “Scared?” She teased.

Masuda didn’t answer. Instead, he swiveled his chair so he could see his reflection on the mirror. He was almost done getting ready; all that was left to do was to wear the blazer and his now that would complete the outfit for his wedding. He wasn’t scared of tying the knot with someone; he wasn’t excited either. But he was _unsure._ He cared for Kairi but couldn’t give her the love that a husband should be giving his wife. The child in her womb was out of the question. It was the sole reason why Masuda left the life that he used to have. He adored it from the moment Kairi told him she was pregnant and he was the father.

“You could still back out on this, you know.” Kairi said in a soft voice.

Masuda glared at her irritatingly, “Why do you keep on insisting to back out?”

“Because this is not something that we should be doing.”

“I already told you that I’m taking responsibility of the child.”

“You can do that, Takahisa. You know you can without quitting your work.” Kairi placed her hand over Masuda’s and looked at him with pity on her eyes. Whenever she would do that, Masuda couldn’t help but show how vexing the topic was for him.

“Stop it, Kairi.” Masuda warned her. There were only two hours remaining for their prep time, he didn’t want to spend any minute of it arguing with the bride.

Kairi stood up straight and her eyes turned cold. “I never believed it at first,” she started. “But when my friends arrived here and met you and your friends for the first time, they talked to me how I physically resemble Tegoshi-kun. It wasn’t the first time that I got told about it. I had a friend who used to like your group way back in university and pestered me about how he and I looked so similar. But acknowledging what and who do I look like was the least of my concern back then. Well, not until I met you and had this strange and casual relationship of banging occasionally. You. Aren’t you in love with you co-member? You’re in love with Tegoshi.”

Tired of standing on her swollen feet, Kairi pulled the empty chair in the corner and sat before continuing, “Just so we’re clear, Takahisa, I’m not in love with you and if ever we will push through with this wedding, I’m sure that we will never work out. We’ve kept the ‘friends with benefits’ relationship for three years and yet none of us have thought and seen each other in a romantic point of view. I agreed to marry you because I thought that, somehow, I change the way I see you. But to tell you the truth, I’m not ready to share my life with someone else yet. Sorry, hormones.” Kairi reached for the tissues and wiped her tears.

Masuda didn’t know what to say to her, he couldn’t even contradict her when she concluded that he was in love with Tegoshi. Because Masuda was never a good liar. If he tried to deny it, he knew that he would just stumble with words and that would expose him more. When Tegoshi confessed to him last night, only God knew how much he wanted to answer and tell him that he loved him, too. But it was so wrong. He was torn between finally having his love reciprocated by the person he loved for the longest time and he had the chance to be genuinely happy and the heavier responsibility that he had to commit to. His life wasn’t only his anymore; he had to make rational decisions for the sake of his child, too. He had two options that night: whether to kick Tegoshi out of the room or tell him he felt the same. But he embraced him instead, tried to tell him he loved him through actions. It was only that he didn’t know if his thoughts synchronized with Tegoshi.

“We’re having a child, Kairi. I want to do this for the baby.” Masuda told her, not meeting her eyes. He played with the cuffs of his dress shirt. He let Tegoshi go for the sake of his unborn child; it was the right thing to do and as much as he wanted to agree with Kairi about the certain failure of their marriage in the short run, he wasn’t selfish enough to deny his child to have a complete family.

Kairi shook her head and sniffed, “I figured that if it was you, then you could take care of the baby properly.”

In everything that Kairi had said up to that point, it was the most ridiculous thing for Masuda to hear. Kairi didn’t want not only their marriage but also their child. He balled his fist in an attempt to contain his anger. It was so unfair. How could she say such thing? Masuda looked up to the ceiling, not letting the tears in his eyes fall even if they had been wanting to.

“Why are you so unfair?” He didn’t hide the hurt in his voice. He already left the person he loved behind; why did the same have to happen to a child that knew nothing?

“I’m on the peak of my life. Takahisa, I’m not ready for _any_ of these. I know how selfish an absurd I sound right now, but I can’t sense the willingness in me to build a family.”

“Won’t you regret your decision?”

Kairi looked at him in the eyes with complete resolve, “I won’t.”

Masuda chuckled sarcastically. He was numb and his mind was blank. “Then do your last responsibility as the mother of my child.”

Kairi had the satisfied smile on her face when she heard Masuda’s silent agreement. When she stood up to leave the room, she patted Masuda’s shoulder and mumbled a word of thanks. And when she started striding towards the door, Masuda remembered to ask her something about what she said earlier.

“How did you figure out I was in love with Tegoshi?”

“The hopelessness showed on your face when we were with him. Plus, you don’t seem the type to sleep around casually. You only did it with me, right? For whole three years. You would call me up when you’re frustrated and deprived and you need release. Calling his name in your sleep countless times is a different story. Catch him, Takahisa. Be happy. I know he feels the same way as you do. His emotions were transparent just like yours.”

Masuda stood up abruptly and faced Kairi and pulled her into a hug. “Be happy, too, Kairi.” He wished her sincerely. He made up his mind. It would be difficult but he wanted to fix things straight. He wanted Tegoshi in his life and to be with him. He knew he had hurt him so much but he had to let him know that he was never letting him go again.

Kairi returned the favor and rubbed his back soothingly, “He might be in his room or in Koyama and Shige’s. Anyway, you’re the one who knows him the most so you should know where to find him.”

Masuda nodded and broke away. He ran to the door, not noticing that Shige was entering and almost crashing onto him if Masuda wasn’t able to stop his tracks.

“About Tegoshi…” Shige went straight to the point. Masuda could feel his heart beating fast in his chest when Shige mentioned the name. He was wearing a serious expression like he was about to give a news that Masuda wouldn’t like.

“He left. He said he couldn’t do it.” Shige continued.

Masuda knotted his brows. He couldn’t catch up with what Shige was telling him. “What do you mean that he left?”

“He’s gone. Left the country.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Masuda said, unbelieving and refusing to process the information. “We were together until four o’clock in the morning; he couldn’t have left so fast.” Masuda stressed.

“Normally, one couldn’t. But who knows if Tegoshi had seen this coming?”

“He left the country.” Masuda mumbled, repeating what Shige said. He held Shige’s arm and shook it lightly, “Shige, where did he go?”

Shige shook his head and looked away, “He didn’t tell me.”

He knew it. He was too late. Tegoshi had been hurting and he was the causing it.

Just when he lost hope, Kairi tapped him and smiled, “Maybe he still hasn’t left yet? Do you want to try going to the airport to search for him? I’ll do the explaining to the guests so you don’t have to worry.”

Masuda had little hope on Kairi’s suggestion but he nodded. Maybe he could hold on to the littlest possibility that he could find Tegoshi.

–––

Tegoshi stared at the ceiling as he laid on his back on the floor. He puffed air up to the direction of his forehead where his bangs persistently fall over his eyes but it looked like he was playing one of his childish games again. It had been months since the last time he had to stay in Japan for more than three weeks. In the past nine months, he spent most of his time traveling to countries. He would only go back home when his tourist visa would reach the maximum time that allowed him to stay in the country he went to and in less than two weeks, he’d be flying off to another country again. But he had to stay longer this time because the agency had contacted him, telling him that his hiatus should be coming to an end soon and was asked to make a decision if he would continue as a solo artist.

He decided to retire in the entertainment industry. He thought about it a lot and came up with the conclusion that he would never enjoy working in the industry again the same way he did in the past. Money wasn’t an issue to him for he invested them properly on partnership businesses and the profits the he would gain quarterly were more than enough to sustain the monetary demands of travelling. But he wasn’t expecting that retiring would take too much of his time. He had to go to interviews for different television news entertainment networks to give statements about his retirement and others that needed to be published in papers. After more than a year of not hearing a thing about him in Japan, he went home and showed up to people again just to inform them about his decision.

He heard Koyama and Shige stayed in the agency, taking in more jobs as actors and variety show hosts while they still hadn’t come up with the decision if they would continue being idols as a unit or as solo artists. It made Tegoshi happy, somehow. At least, two of the members of NEWS were continuing to do jobs that they enjoy.

With all the necessary procedures and obligatory farewell parties, it took Tegoshi an additional two weeks of stay until he could finally go out of the country again and this time, he was aiming on permanently migrating and it just took one call on his friend to find him a place he could live in. There was one week more before his flight and he used four days of it spending time with his mother who was naturally sad because her only son was about to move away and she said that he was leaving her behind when she could visit him anytime she wanted as long as she would ring him up. There weren’t much to pack up and Tegoshi knew he could buy all the essentials when he arrived – except that he was going to bring Emma with him this time – so after going to her mother’s house, he met up with Koyama and Shige for a dinner.

Tegoshi told them about his plans of migrating and he almost laughed loudly when Koyama started bawling his eyes out in the middle of eating. His reaction was overtook his mother’s because the old lady didn’t even cry when Tegoshi said he was moving. But it had been fun. There were lots of things that they talked about, events that happened for the last nine months that he never met with them. The night didn’t end with just that, though. Tegoshi was expecting foe the Masuda topic to come up at anytime and he was ready to answer whatever Koyama and Shige would ask. He thought he was.

From the time he left Osaka and didn’t attend Masuda’s wedding, he had avoided everything that would let Tegoshi know the current state of his life. It was also his way of moving on and it had been effective. He had stopped thinking about him when he would be left with nothing to do. He was at his worst on the first month when he ran away. He spent most of his days and nights holed up in his hotel room either crying or despairing about the possibility that Masuda had hated him or remembering the night that they were together sharing hot kisses and intimate touches. He was crazy for him. Tegoshi fell for him and gave all his love to Masuda without bothering to leave a little for himself that was why he felt that there was no way out of his misery until he forced himself to forget and learned how to manage his feelings properly. It took some time before he got used to it but, gradually, he started paying attention on what he needed more as a person. He could talk freely about Masuda now, but to see him settled down with a family was a different topic. He couldn’t meet him as long as he still wore the ring that Masuda gave him.

“I tried telling Masuda to come tonight.” Shige said staring straight at Tegoshi.

“And?” Tegoshi pretended to be nonchalant about it. Masuda should have already known that he was back in the country because his face was all over the news and papers. But Tegoshi was confident that Masuda was too angry at him to agree for a dinner.

“He said he couldn’t.” Shige took a bite on his food.

“That’s a given.” Koyama interrupted and dabbed the table napkin on his lips. “He texted me the other day and he said his son just got out of the hospital. Seemed like Yuta’s fever was worse than expected.”

Shige nodded but all Tegoshi could give them was a puzzled look.

“I don’t think Massu is getting proper rest for the past week. I told him I have some days off and if he wants then I can come over and take care of his son so he can get some sleep.” Koyama added.

“Why are you speaking like his wife doesn’t exist?” Tegoshi asked, annoyed.

Koyama and Shige just looked at him and gently dropped the utensils they were holding and sat up straight. Koyama was the one who answered him.

“There wasn’t a wedding, Tegoshi.”

“Huh? What happened?”

“Don’t you think it’s better if you ask Massu yourself? If you’re worried that he is angry at you then I assure you, he isn’t.” Shige affirmed.

“Stop running away, Tegoshi.” Koyama seconded.

Tegoshi looked away from them. He wished it was easy to do what they wanted; but what scared him the most was the possible reason that was on his mind which might be the reason to cancel their wedding. Did Kairi learn about what happened that night? But Koyama mentioned someone named ‘Yuta’ and based on the way he talked about the person and the connection with Masuda, Tegoshi presumed that Yuta was his son. Masuda’s child should have been born few months ago if his calculation was right.

The night ended without Koyama and Shige giving him another bit of information about what happened nine months ago. At most that he got was that Masuda had moved back to his parents’ house.

–––

Tegoshi didn’t know what got into his mind; all he could think about at the moment was he was standing at Masuda’s doorstep, waiting for someone to open the door for him. It was his last day in Japan and yesterday, he did nothing but think about Masuda and what really happened. He tried asking Shige one more time through message but he refused to give him any more information than necessary. Asking Koyama would have made no difference especially if Shige told him not to. That man couldn’t go against the boyfriend that he was _crazy_ for, after all.

That was why Tegoshi gave it a go to deliberately pay Masuda a visit. He was nervous. Even though Shige had told him that Masuda wasn’t angry at him, he couldn’t help but worry if he was welcome there considering that he ran away on Masuda’s cancelled wedding. He just prayed that the sweets he bought along the way would compensate at the very least.

Shortly after ringing the doorbell, someone had opened the door and his heart wasn’t a bit ready to be meeting _him_ right off the bat. Masuda came out and his eyes widened when he recognized the person in front of him. Tegoshi panicked internally, reflexively pulling off an awkward smile and a shaky wave of hand to say hello. But once he got a better look on Masuda, he loosened up. He looked so tired; there were dark circles under his eyes and his stubbles were growing roughly.

Masuda slightly smiled seeing him and invited him in. his parents were out of the house and there was only him – he didn’t mention anything about his son. The sweets that he brought were put in the refrigerator; two of the tarts were served in individual saucers to each of them and Masuda poured tea.

“You’ve retired.” Masuda said, breaking the ice between them.

Tegoshi took a bite of the tart before answering. He couldn’t find the words to tell Masuda and make a conversation because the nervousness was getting ahead of them. But even so, he tried hard to respond to Masuda. His retirement wasn’t what Tegoshi came for but he couldn’t just ask Masuda right after showing up.

“I did.”

“It’s such a waste that you’ve retired so early when your talent is so promising.”

Tegoshi didn’t want to be told by Masuda such thing. He didn’t have the right to call Tegoshi’s talent a waste as if his wasn’t the same. With that being said, Tegoshi slammed his fork down on the saucer and took a deep breath.

“Sorry, but I don’t really want to hear it from you.”Tegooshi told Masuda bitterly but he immediately realized what he said and bowed his head. It had only been a little over a year that they disbanded and Masuda retired from the industry. He knew for sure that Masuda was still sensitive on the topic.

Masuda smiled it off and apologized but it made Tegoshi feel heavier inside. Silence followed after that short exchange and Tegoshi thought that it was the best time to start asking Masuda about the thing that he was curious the most. He opened his mouth to say something but before he could even mutter a single word, a loud cry coming from upstairs bombed the whole house and that got Masuda standing up quickly and running towards the stairs, leaving Tegoshi in the dining table. But then Masuda turned at him, “Come. I want you to meet someone.”

Tegoshi followed. He already knew who Masuda was talking about and while a part of him was scared to meet his child, another part of him was excited to see if _Yuta_ took after the looks of his father.

Despite being together for so many years as partners, Tegoshi couldn’t recall even a single memory of Masuda bringing him to his home to play. But Tegoshi had brought Masuda over at his parents’ house a few times before. He remembered Masuda talking about how big the television was in his house in some magazine interviews before. Masuda had always been a clean-freak so it didn’t surprise Tegoshi how pleasant it felt like when they entered his room. Tegoshi roamed his eyes on the whole room. It wasn’t as spacious as he expected it to be but it was enough for the baby crib to fit and a shelf where the baby needs were arranged neatly.

Masuda hurried to the crib and lifted his baby; swaying lightly when he took him in his arms and fiddled on the baby bottle and milk formula with one hand. Tegoshi saw Masuda struggling to do it so he felt the urge to offer him some help. He went near Masuda and took the baby bottle from his hand.

“Teach me how to mix the formula,” Tegoshi said and opened the carton of milk. Masuda stared at him at first, quite surprised about him taking the initiative to mix his baby’s milk but then the baby cried louder and Masuda had no choice but to instruct Tegoshi how to do it. Thankfully, Tegoshi did it properly and his clumsiness didn’t get in the way for once. It was a relief for Tegoshi and his ears when Masuda started feeding his baby – still swaying lightly.

“His name’s Yuta.” Masuda spoke suddenly while watched his son lovingly.

It was a side of him that Tegoshi had never seen before; most probably a side of Masuda that was brought out by his son and Tegoshi could feel his chest being filled up in unexplainable warmth just by looking at them both.

Tegoshi touched Yuta’s arm with his finger and he smiled when the baby jolted. He was so cute.

“Hi, Yuta. My name’s Yuya; your uncle Yuya. Nice to meet you.” He whispered and inhaled the baby’s scent; loving it. He loved children. They would always manage to give him a feeling of relaxation whenever he could get to meet some.

Yuta was fast asleep after getting his fill of milk. Masuda said that was his lunch and laid him back to his crib; softly patting on his leg when he squirmed. Tegoshi sat on Masuda’s bed, waiting for the man so he could talk to him but Tegoshi couldn’t wait any longer. He had been itching to ask Masuda about the things that bothered him.

“Why didn’t you push through with your wedding, Massu?”

Masuda threw a glance on Tegoshi and stood up straight, going to the shelf to rearrange Yuta’s things. “Koyama and Shige told you?”

“Yeah. The night when we had dinner together. They won’t tell me the reason, though.” Tegoshi pouted even though Masuda couldn’t see it.

“Kairi backed out, initially.” Masuda told him simply. “We couldn’t become a family. She let me keep Yuta and now I have no connections with her anymore.”

Until now, Masuda was still bad at explaining things coherently. Tegoshi could barely understand the point of the cancellation of their wedding. And if Kairi was the one who backed out, was it because she discovered anything? Like the night he and Masuda spent together.

Tegoshi bit his lip, “Why?”

Masuda turned around and walked towards Tegoshi; sitting beside him when he reached the bed. “Because Kairi and I were never a couple. Yuta is the product of the casual relationship we had. We tried to take each other seriously that’s why I proposed to her and promised to take responsibility of the child. We tried to make a relationship work between us but falling in love with each other was just so impossible.” Masuda told him everything that happened on that day but left out the topic where it concerned Tegoshi.

Relief swept through Tegoshi when Masuda was done explaining. He thought he had a fault in their break up but Masuda never mentioned anything about him. Which made him think of something stupid and he didn’t like the way his heart reacted to it; _Masuda remained single._

Tegoshi still loved him, he was sure of that. He learned to manage his feelings but he couldn’t deny that he still held a torch for him. There was the idea of confessing again but then it was immediately discarded. He was scared of rejection.

“Are you going away again?” Masuda suddenly asked when Tegoshi fell silent.

“Yeah, tomorrow.” Tegoshi answered with a smile.

“I see. Where to?”

“Singapore this time. I’m migrating.” Tegoshi stood up and walked around the room. He didn’t want to read deeper meaning when he saw Masuda’s expression changed into disappointment when he said he was migrating. He hated what he was feeling again. He had become so sure of his decision to move away but now it felt like he wanted to have a reason to stay. And there he was again, thinking that it didn’t matter what role he would be on Masuda’s life as long as he could be by his side again. Why did he have to be so in love to a man who couldn’t give him what he wanted? He was willing to be hurt again, to love him more, and be there when he would need any kind of support. Tegoshi would do anything for him.

“Migrating?” Masuda repeated for confirmation.

Tegoshi nodded and went to the crib, watching Yuta sleep. His eyes welled up with tears but he smiled, stroking the baby’s head gently. “Has anyone told you that you look horrible, Massu?”

“My mother told me bunch of times now,” Masuda chuckled, “It’s the effect of being a single parent, I guess.”

Then before Tegoshi could even notice it, Masuda was standing beside him already. “But I don’t care. I look horrible now because I’ve been taking care of my son. He has no mom and only has a father who’s ignorant of all things related to child upbringingbut I love him more than the whole world.”

Tegoshi stared at Masuda the whole time he was speaking. Masuda had grown so much. He was obviously different from the man he was since the last time he was with him. There was happiness despite the tiredness.

“You’ve changed, Massu.” Tegoshi commented. Masuda looked at him, surprised. “For the better, I mean. Do your best in raising Yuta. And count on Keii-chan if he offers to switch places with you!” Tegoshi laughed.

“Why won’t you stay, Tegoshi?” Masuda muttered seriously.

If he could then he would. He would love to. But that wouldn’t be too easy for him. It wasn’t like he was acting on a whim; he just knew that his life would be better off not continuing in Japan. He had to start again.

“I have no place here anymore.” Tegoshi whispered, facing Masuda. “You created a place for me back then and I was happy, but you were also the one who took it away from me, Massu.”

Tegoshi couldn’t belong anywhere. NEWS was his home and even after the continuous loss of some members, they didn’t give up what they loved the most. The members would often say back then that he was the heart of NEWS and he was happy because that meant that he had already obtained a vital role within the group. Everything he achieved was thanks to Masuda. He was with him in everything that he did. There were options and chances to let go of Tegoshi with all his mistakes, but they never did. But Masuda had to leave, bringing with him his happiness and the place that he once made for Tegoshi.

“If I can’t do the thing that makes me happy the most then what’s the use of staying?” Tegoshi added sadly.

“There was a choice of you debuting as a solo artist.” Masuda said as a matter of fact.

“I don’t want that, Massu. Such thing won’t satisfy the greed and longing to sing as NEWS again.” Tegoshi answered with finality.

“Then how do I make you stay?” It almost seemed like Masudawas desperate. If Tegoshi wasn’t living in the reality of his life, he had already assumed that Masuda was talking to him not as a friend and a former partner, but as someone more than those.

“I have no reason that will make me stay.” _Give me._

“Tegoshi, stay.”

“For what?”

Masuda didn’t speak but took a step closer, held Tegoshi’s chin and kissed him. It was an innocent kiss; but Tegoshi was caught off guard. But then he was Tegoshi and the man who was kissing him was Masuda and no matter how much he would deny it, it was the kind of contact that he wanted to get from the man. When Masuda nipped his lips, Tegoshi gave in and his hands that were clutching on the crib shifted to Masuda’s chest as Masuda’s arms wrapped around his waist.

He didn’t know why they were kissing nor did he have a clue why Masuda was kissing him but he melted to his touch. He only went away and got to manage his emotions but in the end he still wanted and loved him the same way and intensity he had from before. When they parted, it was only then that Tegoshi realized what they did. He at least wanted to give their bodies a distance but his knees were locked and his feet were glued on the floor; not to mention that Masuda didn’t remove his arms on his waist.

Tegoshi blushed and Masuda crashed his face on his shoulder. “Stay with me, Tegoshi.” He was surprised to hear Masuda’s hoarse voice, even more when he stifled a cry. “Please. I can’t let you go. Not anymore.”

Masuda’s word confused him. He couldn’t let him go anymore? How could he say that when they never belonged to each other from the start?

“Massu…” Tegoshi tried to break away from Masuda only to be pulled even closer.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough. When you said you love me on the last night that we were together, you don’t know how much I wanted to say the same thing. That was why I held you. Id didn’t say it in words but I was hoping that I was able to say it through my actions. When Shige told me you left the country,” Masuda paused and sniffed, “I died inside. I didn’t know where you went and when you’ll come back. I tried searching for you in the airport but I failed. And then the other night when I had the chance to see you again, I couldn’t because I have to prioritize my son. Do you know how happy I am that you showed up on my door today? It took all my might not to jump on you the minute I saw you. Tegoshi, I love you. Don’t leave me, please. I’m sorry for hurting you.” Masuda despaired and pleaded. Tegoshi heard him clearly.

“This is so unfair, Massu.” Tegoshi told him on the verge of tears but his hands that were in Masuda’s chest moved on their own to hug him tightly. “My papers and documents are ready. I’ve packed my things, said goodbye to my mom, and even the apartment where I’m going to live has already been finalized.”

“You love me, Tegoshi. You said you love me. Please, love me again. I need you here with me.” In the next second, Masuda was breaking down and it hurt Tegoshi. He didn’t want to see him like this; reduced to the weakest of his best version.

“God knows that I loved you, Massu, and I love you still. More than I’ve loved you before. But your son… when he grows up, he’ll ask for a mom. If you’re with a man then it would complicate you more. Yuta needs a family. A _normal_ one.” If Tegoshi would take no consideration, then Masuda’s confession would have been more than enough to be with him. The way he cried begging him not to leave and love him again; Tegoshi knew that he was being honest. But he also knew that his love for Masuda was not the giving type. He was selfish. If he’d be together with him, he would make sure that they would stay together for as long as they live. What if Yuta grows up and ask what kind of relationship was he sharing with his father? He wished that it would be too easy.

“We’ll be his family. I don’t care of the things that would complicate me in the future. I let you go once and I’m not doing the same thing twice.” Masuda removed his face from Tegoshi’s shoulder, showing Tegoshi his tear-stained face. He put their foreheads together and closed his eyes. Tegoshi’s hand touched Masuda’s cheek, running a thumb under his eye.

“Don’t you get it, Massu? I’m pushing you away. If I won’t leave and stay here with you, I’ll be greedier. I’ll want you more. My love for you is more selfish than what you think. It’s obsessive.” Tegoshi whispered as the tears that he had been holding back ran down on his cheeks.

Masuda held Tegoshi’s hand that was on his face, squeezed it tightly; not wanting to let go. “Want me more, then. If it would mean I get to be with you, then make me yours. I’m yours, Tegoshi. From the very first moment that I started loving you, all I ever desired was to make you mine; bind you to me. My life might have taken a different route than your ideal one, but my feelings never changed.”

“How am I supposed to leave now? I love you. There’s no turning back on me, Massu. You have to make sure that you understand that. Tell me you understand it.”

Masuda smiled, the smile that Tegoshi had fallen in love with, “I understood.” Then he kissed him again. The sweetest kiss that Tegoshi ever had. The kiss that gave him the permission to feel the love he longed for. It was deep and hot, and it once again made Tegoshi bare everything that he was and had.

He was pretty sure _something_ was about to happen at that time. Yuta was asleep and didn’t seem to be a problem. There were butterflies in his stomach when Masuda had carried him and laid him down the bed. Masuda was on top of him, nuzzling his neck and playing with the ends of his hair, and chuckling on his ear.

“Tegoshi?” Masuda breathed.

Tegoshi hemmed, arms on Masuda’s back – gently running his hands in an up and down manner.

“I’m sleepy.”

Then he remembered. Masuda really looked horrible. “You can sleep then. I’ll look after Yuta.”

Masuda nodded and eased off him, lying on his side. He brought Tegoshi’s arm on his neck as he pulled him close, making Tegoshi his body pillow. He didn’t protest when Masuda did that. He even stroked his hair. As much as he wanted to show Masuda how much he missed him, he figured that there would be many chances to show him that from then on.

He started humming the song that entered his mind. He laughed internally when he recognized the tune – Hanamuke. Looking back, Tegoshi remembered all the pain and all the tears he cried for Masuda. Yes, he suffered in loving him but now that he knew that Masuda loved him, too, he wondered if those were all a bad dream.

“What are we, Massu?” Tegoshi asked to nothingness; he thought Masuda had fallen asleep until he felt Masuda’s hug becoming tighter, “Koyama and Shige are boyfriends. I guess we are, too? Finally.”

“Boyfriend, huh? I like the sound of that.” Tegoshi touched his _boyfriend’s_ earlobe and sighed happily.

Masuda hadn’t answered then. His breathing had evened out, he had fallen asleep.

**FIN.**


End file.
